Confession. I am finding this pandemic home stretch harder than our deepest lockdown. In California, everyone 65 and over is now eligible for vaccination, as are healthcare workers and teachers. This means several of my family members are all set. I’m 64, not 65 until September, and also retired, which means I am so close but yet so far.
I’m good at enduring, but not waiting. What to do? I don’t like this anxious state of I Am Not Getting Mine And Everyone Else Is, and I especially don’t like being the person who feels that way.
I hung a bulletin board.
I’d saved cards from friends and family for years, planning to finally capture addresses and maybe someday send cards myself, something else I’m not good at it. In the recent clean up of what is becoming my writing/workout/guest space, I managed to get all addresses into my contacts and felt briefly pleased. But as I picked the cards up from the floor to recycle, the faces, and messages of greeting and welcome and thanks and affection in the handwriting of people I care about, made me decide to keep them longer.
I want to stay focused, if you will, on the good. Above is what’s waiting for me out there. (Identifying details have been blurred or removed;)) And anyone getting vaccinated right now, even if they’re strangers to me, is probably on a board just like this in someone else’s study. Stand down, oh Fighting Instincts, stand down.
One step at a time. Have good weekend, everyone.
49 Responses
Each person who is vaccinated also means a reduction in:
1. people who are spreading the plague
2. people who need medical resources due to having the plague
And a potential increase in people who can help keep small businesses alive, either by being able to work instead of getting sick or by being customers.
So there is that, too, maybe, in addition to the “individually valuable and irreplaceable human beings” aspect? Each one is making your world a little bit better and a little bit safer?
@KC, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Interestingly, although I’ve received most vaccinations, I’m more cranky than I was. I feel safer of course that I won’t catch COVID, but this staying at home hasn’t really changed. And I’m very aware that although I’m vaccinated, I can still spread it to family members who aren’t, so I’m as careful as I was before. Also, still don’t feel “safe” to travel, and our doctor feels until we really wait and see how the variants of the virus react to the vaccine (which will be awhile) all non-essential travel shouldn’t be done anyway.
But as KC said, I do feel grateful for what she mentioned, and look forward to us all being vaccinated.
“both vaccinations”
@KSL, Thank you for telling me this. I am sorry that the vaccination hasn’t been the Great Release we hoped for but it does help to know that we ARE all in this together and the good people are always good people and the people who break the rules for selfish reasons will always do that and it’s not an occasion for new rage. xoxox.
I’ve also had both shots and am 2 weeks out from the second, so fully vaccinated. I work in a hospital. Nothing has changed so far, because I am not going to risk catching the virus and passing it on, and as KSL mentioned, there are the variants. I had a couple of bad days a couple of weeks ago, almost a year of working remotely and not going anywhere or seeing anyone got to me. But then my sisters and I did a zoom cooking class, and ate “together” afterward. It was a wonderful time and that got me out of the down mood. And the days have been clear and warmer, and spring seems close.
@Marie, Spring does seem close. I swear that has added to my crankiness as I dread being shut up for another summer. But that you found more cheer in the remote cooking class than in being fully vaccinated really reminds me to focus on my own days and not anyone else’s.
@Marie, Hi, Lisa, I did actually feel joy when I got my first dose 7 weeks ago. The vaccine clinic is a happy place, and it was wonderful to see large numbers of people being vaccinated. But the cooking class/zoom dinner with my sisters was recent, and it came just after the year-long isolation, and now 7 months with my son 3000 miles away, hit me hard.
The vaccine has not changed my life at all so far. I’m not about to take risks for others that I was not willing to take for myself (assuming conservatively that I would still be able to become infected and transmit it). But I do feel less anxiety about becoming severely ill or dying if I do get it. And when a young relative who is about 200 miles away got it last week, I was able to offer to pick her up and bring her here, or stay with her, if she gets any sicker than she is now. A month ago I couldn’t have done that.
Lisa,
I am also sixty-four so am not eligible for a vaccination. I’m okay with it until I see neighbors jumping ahead in line or pushing their parents into “high-risk” groups when in fact they say they are not.
I believe in Democracy and after Donald Trump can be okay getting in line. It is also true that as an R.N. I feel I can stay safe. I know you know all these things but . . .
In other words, you can do this.
Luci
@Luci, Thank you. Thank you very much. Maybe we should have a ginormous Zoom call with ALL the 64 year olds around the country on it;).
Oh, I hear you, Lisa. Here in Canada due to whole lot of complex reasons, we are far behind everyone in vaccinating. I know it will be June at the earliest before people over 65 can get it here. I’m lucky in that my birthday is in May. But my 93 year old mum still has not had hers. And that is worrying. If she lived in a care home she’d have it already. I’m trying to NOT think of all this. To not hear people saying that they’ve had their shots and now they’ll go and visit their grandkids. Arg. Closing my ears and settling down with a calming book. And planning my spring wardrobe. Ha. Maybe some lilac coloured sweats?!
@Sue Burpee, Closing my ears and settling down with a calming Netflix series;). Same-same, essentially. I hope your mom gets the vaccine really, really soon.
Up in Oregon, I will be waiting until June.. I understand vaccinating the immune compromised before the 55 to 65 crowd…but I had got my hopes up thinking I could be vaccinated in April or May. I really struggle with some friends and acquaintances that jumped the line. I have lost respect for them, and do wonder when I see them in the future, if I will alway be a bit judgmental. I keep telling myself it is good to get more people vaccinated and I am happy for them.
@Elizabeth, I relate to absolutely everything you say here.
I can relate to the crankiness. I am 69, married to someone awaiting a lung transplant, daily visiting a great medical center, and do not even have an appointment. PA is 44th by some measures in vaccination efficiency, I have registered but have not had the time or energy for the midnight refreshes etc. And though I am in contact with a patient at a hospital planning an $800K surgery for him, they can’t get me a slot. It’s infuriating. I do check eight sites on my computer once a day. Eventually it will happen. But I wish they had put some great UX, logistics gurus, data management and other tech talent in charge of this stuff. But I digress…I meant to discuss cards.
I have not been great about sending cards. I find in this intense, sometimes dire, experience with a sick family member I love every card. Simple, or eloquent, beautiful or standard. Appreciate them from the near and dear and from neighbors I merely wave at. All heart warming and worth more than I knew. I plan to send more cards.
@Wendy, It would be completely understandable if you felt more than cranky right now. I too wish they’d put more talent on this, and also I am very glad you are in a good spot for your husband’s lung transplant.
I wish you all the best in your card plans. Maybe, maybe, I’ll be able to get myself to join you.
I totally understand how you feel about the vaccine and not being able to get it right now. Even though I am over 65 and meet the criteria in our state, I could not get the vaccine in my county (Dallas). Along with about 15 of my friends, I had to travel 100 miles to a less populated area of the state to get my vaccine. After getting both doses, I felt so much better. When I was not able to get the vaccine in my city, I felt terrible–so I understand you.
And yes, the home stretch of the pandemic is very hard. I live in Texas and the winter storm we endured was the icing on a very bad cake. We were all traumatized by the storm and that trauma sat right on top of the pandemic. We are still recovering.
Sending all best wishes for a shorter timeline to your vaccine than you think.
@Susan D., What happened in Texas, the freeze, seemed almost unreal coming as it did on top of the pandemic. Truly traumatic. I hope for recovery and rejoicing, sooner rather than later. And I am very glad you found your rightful vaccine, even if it was 100 miles away.
I was supposed to have the second shot last Saturday–but received a call the afternoon before telling us it was cancelled–no supplies. It was a blow to me–I’d been planning to get out and around more than I have in a year. So upset that DH brought me flowers he got at the grocery store to cheer me. On Sunday, however, we had an actual human being call and tell us we could have another slot on March 6. We’ll happily drive the 40 miles to Dublin, CA again to get it.
Then we were notified we could call and schedule an appointment sooner, but when DH called at 7 am it took him nearly 2 hours to connect with a live human, and then the slots were all filled. “Keep calling,” she said, but we decided to stay with the one we have next week.
Our original vaccination took a couple of weeks of trying before we could get through to set a date.
Anticipation of spring flowers has kept me going. Last fall I bought lots of bulbs and seeds and planted them. The first daffodils are blooming outside my bedroom window, narcissus are beginning to bloom, as are anemones. The hanging basket nasturtiums are hanging on the fence and all blooming. The anticipation of sprouts and then buds and flowers inspire me to get up every morning.
I admit, haven’t accomplished too much else.
@Susan W, Wishing you Mercury’s winged feet for your trip March 6th. What a good idea you had, to plant bulbs and flowers last fall! I have one lone daffodil that remains from 30 I planted 20 years ago, but I am anxiously awaiting its bloom:).
I am 62, and so not vaccinated, although they are vaccinating people 65 plus here as well. This is earlier than originally expected, but there are many many thousands of people who are eligible who have not yet been vaccinated here, and I worry that the disease even as I am grateful that many are protected. I do look forward to visiting my mother, who has been vaccinated, but my brother is only in his 50s and I will not go until I know my family will be safe if I see them.
I grow weary of it all as well. I want to go out. I worry that we are all weary and too many are too willing to take risks. I don’t see change happening overnight. I worry that access is not at all equally distributed by need. And yet I know that every person vaccinated is a little brick in our wall of mutual support and solidarity. I love your board of hope. Recently on a zoom we all opened out our hands so our fingers appeared to touch on the screen. These things cheer me.
@Mardel, I love that thought, the fingers touching on a screen. Thank you <3
I’m 63 and when it comes around I’ll get the vaccination but I’m not that undone about it for myself. I’m WFH, I’m healthy, my chances are downright good for surviving should I catch it while surveying the produce at the grocery store.
My frustration has been the situation with my Mother, a healthly live-on-her-own 85+. Finally this week she got an appointment.
The Father of a college classmate who was in Assisted Living and had received his first shot died from CVOID this week. I’m angry about that, although not venting to her as I think it wouldn’t be helpful, as I assume that the care home he was in got lazy about practices once they started vaccinating their residents.
Which takes me to my main thought: that a vaccination is just one part of returning to life as we used to know it. None of them are 100% effective, until cases are much lower we still need to practice serious infection control measure.
@RoseAg, You are always, always, such a voice of practical sense. Thank you. I am so glad your mom now has an appointment.
A friend and I, both 73 and with at-risk conditions, recently had a conversation about feeling we were missing out because the local pharmacy sites never showed vaccines available anywhere nearby. Our pcps could not get their hands on any vaccine doses once staff had been taken care of. Then within hours my friend and I each got notified the County had slots available. Less than 24 hours later I got a message from my pcp. On the other hand, my niece is 59 and is out in the cold, as is her 64-year-old husband.
I completely understand how you’re feeling. I hope your turn comes soon.
@Barbara West, Thank you. And your news gives me hope. Progress is happening.
One thing I don’t understand is why the distribution process wasn’t outsourced to some Target guys. Or Menard’s or Walmart. Those guys have distribution down pat.
If Target can tell me, up to the minute, how many blue towels they have, in which stores, in which aisle…why can’t the same be done for vaccines?
Surely as a society it’s more important to know where the vaccines are versus blue towels?
One thing I’ve found helpful is to volunteer to help others find appointments even though I don’t qualify myself yet. So satisfying. Relieves some of my crankiness about this whole thing. :-)
@Mel, Bravo to you for your volunteering, bravo. And in terms of distribution, I think there was originally a decision to have each state choose their own methods and make their own purchases, and it seems to have made things far more difficult.
I’m in the same boat as KSL — got my second shot this week, but I’m still observing all the same precautions I did before. Until I know that I cannot pass the virus on to others and that I am not in danger from any of the variants, I will stay home, wear a mask when I’m out, social distance and all the rest. The roll out of this vaccine has been a mess and so unfair to many people so those of us who have been lucky should be responsible.
@Lynn, Thank you so much for your sense of responsibility. So appreciated.
The vaccines benefit everyone, even those not directly receiving the it. The more people who become immune the less the virus will spread. Hang in there, Lisa. You will be all right. ♥️
@Naomi Shippen, Thanks:). And I know those things, I do, but it’s so hard to keep them in the forefront of my mind.
Understand your feelings. Hold on..
Why not make a memory collage if your cards & then put it in your room. That way you can enjoy the good memories.
@Bertice Brown, That’s for all intents and purposes exactly what I did! So, thanks for the endorsement! And the understanding.
I turned 70 on Christmas Day, but this is Floriduh and it’s now well orchestrated, so
consequently the execution is less than even or steady. Fortunately, my health is very
good and vaccination availability will happen when it happens.
I of course meant NOT rather than now and wished
to correct my error.
@Holly Rose, Congratulations on your good health! And may your state get itself organized and on track:).
I’ll be 65 in September, too. I’m not in California, but very near, and this past week our state also went to 65+. My husband and friends got vaccinated. After my husband gets his second shot, he’s the new errand boy. BTW, they all got their shots at Walmart.
@AK, Well, hang in there, September friend. And seems like your husband will make a very good vaccinated errand boy:).
I am 64 years-old with stage IV colon cancer metastasis to both my lungs and liver. I received my first vaccine this week, my second scheduled in March. even though I was able to get the vaccine due to my medical status I feel a bit guilty about receiving it as I think there are people in more need than myself. Hopefully the market will soon be flooded with millions of doses for everyone and scheduling an appointment will be easy
@Pamela, Pamela, You should not feel guilty. I am 71 without health conditions and I got the vaccine because I work in a hospital, even though I am now remote about 90% of the time. I felt guilty, too; I would have given up my dose in a minute to any teacher or bus driver, or anyone who has to come into contact with many people. But I didn’t have that choice, and the hospital was urging all employees to be vaccinated. Like you, I hope that soon everyone who wants the vaccine will be able to get it.
@Pamela, I cannot imagine that there are many people who should be ahead of you in line. Please go and get your vaccine free of any guilt at all. I hope your health is good to you.
Love the bulletin-board-of-memories, Lisa – your correspondents have good taste! And you have arranged the cards with such a good eye…
May I suggest a way to while away a little time as you (and many of us) are “waiting” (or “enduring,” as the case may be)? Something that will feed the mind and enliven the spirit?
The Frick Collection in Manhattan (a true gem among smaller art museums) is running a free series on YouTube called “Cocktails with a Curator,” featuring one of their masterworks each week, together with a spoken commentary by one of their excellent curators. I don’t know how to embed a link here, but googling “Frick Collection Cocktails with a Curator” should get you there in a couple of clicks.
You’ll find a wide choice of featured artworks, but I suggest you start with Lawrence’s magnificent portrait of Lady Peel – a gal who knows how to wear feathers, and fabulous bracelets too!
Thanks for posting about the Frick Museum. That sounds delightful! I did enjoy my time there. I think that was where a real and fake painting are hung side by side… where a layperson could really see the difference. I love that it was the daughter that purchased real painting after her father but the fake!
@Victoire, Ah, thank you for the recommendation! Much appreciated. And I am lucky in the good taste of my friends, it’s true, and so much more.
Whatever it takes. And yes, this is drearier than I thought it would be. Never have I listened the radio as much as I have in the past year. My verdict is not necessarily charitable.
Yet another reason to despise and recall Gruesome. I’m too young, but I had cancer last year and currently have a leaking heart valve ( currently controlled by meds)–but no vaccine for me! I’m so angry I can barely see straight.
I received my first vaccine a couple of weeks ago, by gaming the system a little and ignoring the “call back tomorrow” recorded messages I kept getting from my provider, pressing buttons until I spoke with a real person who promptly scheduled me. I am going to be 70 next month. I just learned that some people in my county who have had one vaccine are having their second appointments cancelled by their provider. (Mine doesn’t seem to be doing that. Yet.) Like you, I am a good endurer and a bad wait-er, so to get myself through this as gracefully as possible, I am telling myself that I can easily endure the wait – tricky play with words and meaning, but whatever get me through will do!
Lisa, I have found too much that strikes close to home in your recent writing. I am also 64, and the “so close, yet so far” feeling about vaccine access weighs me down. Like you, I see so, so many who are jumping the line, so many failures of character. I struggle to keep myself from rage, while knowing that I am so fortunate in my privileged position of working from my lovely home.
I lalso want to extend condolences on the loss of your friend. I lost my closest friend to glioblastoma, and the loss laid me low. We are lucky to have shared the gift of friendship, even as we survivors struggle with deep absence in our universes.
Comments are closed.