As I’ve mentioned before, I’m working on building a new little community, following the deaths of my mother, my long-distance best friend, and my father. This involves making an effort. To get to know people you have to meet them, and to meet them you have to find them, and to find them you often have to go somewhere, but so far so good. I like people.
The only hard part is what we used to call, when I was a young mother, “play bids.” That moment sharing an activity with others when you have to find some way to indicate you’d be open to hanging out. I haven’t had a lot of practice. I never dated much, and back when boys did the asking. The last time I grew a new community was when my children were young, and mother’s groups and school functions pretty much did it for me.
I’m practicing now. And the point of practicing, on top of getting to a goal, is to learn. Here’s my insight: at the ripe very-late-middle-age of 67 going on 68 I have realized that people don’t usually want my advice. Brilliant, right?
No shade on the caliber of that advice. It’s decent. Only that I’ve realized if I like someone I often lead with, “Can I help you solve your problem? That thing that you don’t even know is a problem?” Which is very Sturdy Gal, being of service, but not per se the most fruitful course.
The premise that to enter a relationship one must be of service might be valuable, but nobody wants advice unless they ask for it. They may want help, another kind of service, but sometime an offer of help feels intrusive. Is laughter a service? Maybe, but one person’s joke is another person’s credo. Tricky. What do people want from each other?
After decades of being sought after for either thinking/words or my waist-to-hip ratio, I am now considering the idea that what most people want from others is to be seen and heard. To be kept agreeable company. Quite Nature of Being and all that, where existence is enough. Words optional.
I could be embarrassed to talk about this new community process, as it feels vulnerable, but I’ve decided to drop shame. Not useful; not Sturdy, and besides we’re in this together. I put the question to you all. If you consider the relationships you’ve made later in life, can you characterize the transaction, if we can call it that? What did you offer, openly or implied? And what was offered in return?
“Why are friends?” perhaps verges alarmingly on, “Why are people?” but let’s live dangerously. Thoughts?
Have a wonderful weekend.
33 Responses
If I hope to develop a friendship, I ask the person to join me in an activity – art show opening, local garden tour, library lecture, etc – that is in itself interesting and gives us food for thought and conversation. If I have actually met and talked with a new person at such a gathering, I suggest meeting for coffee sometime, or a glass of wine (outside the house), to continue the conversation. Keep it casual, but have a focus.
The “nature of the transaction,” I suppose, would be sharing interests and learning from each other – personally, intellectually, aesthetically, etc.
Ah, that makes sense. Learning from each other, and gatherings around domains of substance.
I’ll start out saying, that I’m a natural introvert, and have always been more than content with 2-3 close girlfriends, other women I met earlier in life, when we had time for lots of shared experiences, shared work, and became intimate friends. I have met many new “friends” in Ojai, but I know now that none will ever be close friends – that it’s more social, fun doing pottery at the same place, etc., but not the kind of friendship where you share confidences. As Victoire wrote “sharing interests and learning from each other” sounds about right. Unasked for advice, or even asking probing questions in an attempt to get to know the person “better” or more intimately, I haven’t felt were welcomed “moves’. A bit rambling, hope it makes some sense? This is just me, but I don’t like to take walks with other people, as I use that time as a sort of meditation.
As I think you probably know about me, though we are virtual rather than IRL friends, is that I’m also an introvert. I was interested by what you said here, “Unasked for advice, or even asking probing questions in an attempt to get to know the person “better” or more intimately, I haven’t felt were welcomed ‘moves’. ” Did you mean when you tried to do this it wasn’t welcomed, or that when others do this to you it isn’t welcomed by you? I suspect the former, but I’m particularly curious because I think my style of friendship growing is building to asking maybe not probing questions, but more intimate questions (is that the same thing?:) I do this myself and I welcome it in others.
In addition, a lot of “old” friends, from school in particular are reaching out in an attempt to renew a friendship. With those, we fall into intimacy very easily – some of these reruns stick, others don’t. But we already feel familiar.
Yes, this all makes sense. And precisely, some moves are not welcomed, even if in theory they are sound. I will say, despite being an extrovert, I don’t need crowds of friends. Like many, I have good friends who are around the globe. And I’m lucky in my sisters and my children, with whom I speak at least once a week, although none of them live close by. The situation is exacerbated by having gone to boarding school for high school, across the country for college, and having worked in a very, very male industry. So I’m lucky, and generally cheerful, but I do like to walk with people;), so onward I go trying to learn the skills I missed earlier in life and meeting people I enjoy here and sometimes there;)
Covid through various school reunions into a shambles. As a result, by the end of this month I will have had three major reunions. We had 28 from a ninth grade class of 45 return, which may be right up there with your waist to hip ratio. Agree that rekindling school friendships is one of the great delights of the era. Lots and lots of them!!
Agh!! Horrors! A spellcheck disaster: it’s THREW, not THROUGH!
It works, though:). Your 9th grade class is stalwart!
I’m a nearly 65 year old widow and have found it difficult to make new friends later in life. I’ve involved myself in the community – running for city council, participating in various local events, working on issues – but while that has raised my profile somewhat it has not enabled me to develop many real friendships. I’m left to wonder whether making friends is easier for the young or if the problem lies with me. I’m interested in what others’ experiences have been.
I really admire what you’ve done in your community. I can imagine what you report, that people know who you are but no friend intimacy may have developed. I’m also starting to think this can take several years of shared activities, working on committees, volunteering, etc, to build up to what we might have found more just along the way when younger. Good luck. People are sharing really good thoughts here.
Early 60s here. I’m really enjoying the people in my community ed foreign language class. Small group of 4-6 people with me as a relative newcomer within the last two years. The class content gives a nice basic structure and a lot of room for getting to know each other. I’d still say “friendly” as opposed to “friends” but in a way full of possibility.
Actively renewing a connection with another mom friend from when our respective 30-something kids were littles. We’ve crossed paths in parent organizations and civic groups. Would catch up in person a couple times a year. Recently said “we have to do this more often” and meant it and are doing just that.
Yes! My community center Spanish class has become quite convivial, over the past couple of years. Friendly is what I’d say too, vs. “friends,” but that’s OK. I enjoy the teacher and everyone getting to know each other even so.
Hi Lisa and all. I’m 72, an introvert (I’ve noticed many folks think introverts aren’t happy people–ugh, misconception!). In true introvert style, my friendships are fewer than many, but they are deep and dear. Problem is, they have literally all fled for warmer climates now. My kids and grandkids remain here on our chilly home shores of Lake Michigan, so I will not be leaving. As a result, my friendships are mostly carried on via text and FaceTime now. I would love to have a hang-out friend just like the one you describe aspiring to be and find: someone with whom to “keep agreeable company,” “words optional.” I’ve not had the good fortune to find these new friends yet. Reading this thread–well, all your threads–with interest. Cheers.
The people I’m closest with and have been, all introverts. Close and dear is so lovely. Very hard to have them all leave. I wonder if somewhere else in your town there isn’t another woman who’s experiencing the same transition. Transitions, as life eras shift, do seem to be good times to make friends. Just that at 60 there’s no office or schoolyard to hang out in. I hope you find agreeable company xox
I met my group of women friends through my now-husband, 18 years ago. They were his friends through multiple networks. They became more personal friends over the years in a sort of first tier, second tier, third tier kind of way. Now, ranging in age from 65-80, predictably we are losing our health from cancer, heart disease, injury, dementia etc. Most of these women are single.
When one of us is unable to care for themselves in some capacity, the others ‘circle the wagons’ to provide what’s needed. We cook, clean, do yardwork, grocery shop, give rides to appointments, laundry, paperwork and whatever else is needed.
The ability to provide for each other is dependent on the state our individual health is at the time. When someone’s back is bad, they won’t be doing house and yard work. When we have a job that requires the strength of men, we have a backup crew of them. When larger troupes of women are needed, we access our larger groups of friends. It’s amazing how much people want to help others. We call ourselves Sisters of Mercy- SOM.
Come to think of it, I’m not sure this answers your question.
It’s an aspect of my question. You made friends a while back, in your marriages and maybe work and community, and you’ve all only grown closer over the years. That feels ideal to me.
Thinking it over , my friendships depend on the internet now . No longer the telephone or handwritten letters as in my teens and earlier ! I have one friend still from 2ndary school and 2 from University . Not many new ones !
I remember the first time I saw the Web, back in the 90s. Had absolutely no foreshadowing of how it would change our lives in exactly the way you describe.
I moved across country two years ago to be near grandchildren, which of course meant having to create a new community. I’ll skip over the part about how to meet people and go straight to my advice about what to when you meet someone you might click with, which is: ask THEM for advice. Everyone likes knowing that they’re worth listening to. Asking their opinion is good, but asking for advice is even better. My top suggestion might be, “My daughter is getting married soon and you’re a mother-in-law – any advice about how to be a good one?” But you can ask for advice on any topic, like “Read any books lately that I should read?“ or “My neighbor cut down a tree and suddenly there’s much more sun in garden. What do you suggest I plant?”, or pretty much any topic of mutual interest. Of course when they respond you need to listen and continue the conversation. And then at some point you need to ask them out, e.g., “Would you like to get together for lunch (or coffee, or whatever) sometime?” (But I like lunch the best.) And then at the end you have to say something like “I really enjoyed getting together. Let’s do it again soon.” The other person will either be positive or noncommittal, and you go from there.
Good luck. It’s not easy to make new friends as an adult, but it is worthwhile.
Tip top tip! 11/10! Thank you! I hope you are liking your new community.
My newest friends are from the YMCA group fitness classes, although it could have been any venue or gathering. Over time and many chats before or after class, one of us said, would you like to go for a walk or have lunch sometime? Then, depending on the enthusiasm level, we either set a date then or wait a while longer. Two of my closest “new” friends are also two of my closest all-time friends and we go out with husbands sometimes too. In one case, the new friend invited me to join her book club, so now I have even more new friends! Of course, there have also been a few overtures that never went anywhere.
I am thinking of going back to the yoga classes I quit when I started using all my mornings for writing novels. I am thinking that familiarity, getting to know someone indirectly from shared activities, is very helpful.
This is so timely for me! I am in my early 60’s, and had a tough last 18 months with family and pet drama. My husband and I have withdrawn from a lot of socializing (Covid didn’t help with that!), and realized that a lot of our friends were from schools, committees, etc. and we haven’t kept up the connections. In addition, I have stepped back from a weekly volunteer activity at my church that provided socializing, and another group I was involved with disbanded, so I miss having “things to do.” I have decided to join a women’s club in my city, which has a ton of classes, groups, lectures, etc. I know several women who are members, and I think it will help me get my social life started again.
My husband needs to find something – basically he should be hired by Home Depot or REI to hang out and help people with their home projects or their camping/hiking needs!!
A women’s club! The only one I know of is my alumni association, and I do participate in a drop-in monthly book club as part of that. In fact this last Sunday, inspired by the comments here, I made a special effort to attend and was really glad I did. Your husband could always start a YouTube channel, but on the other hand REI could use all the knowledgeable salespeople they can find!
Hello Lisa, Going to a foreign country, “language exchange” is always a good gambit, although it turns out the the stronger language will win–despite intentions, if my Chinese is better than their English, we will speak Chinese, but if their English is better than my Chinese, we will speak English. Either way, a friendship results.
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Also, in America, foreign students (or other recent arrivals) are often eager to meet local people. Most of them have never been in anyone’s home and would love invitations to Thanksgiving, seeing local sights, etc.
–Jim
Hi Jim! Yes, I can imagine how in foreign countries the expat groups might be a good resource, and the let’s practice the languages we are learning on each other gambit too:).
In my 70s I made a close friend through a book club started by a mutual friend. Friend and I had read the same books and magazines, wanted to see the same obscure movies. Sometimes the rest of the book club had no idea what we were talking about. We started trading books and going to the movies and that’s how the friendship was formed.
And old friends…there were 10 of us that met on the first day of college in 1965 and we’ve all stayed in touch. During the pandemic we started a weekly cocktail party on Zoom – it helps that we’re all in the same time zone. So much fun that after the pandemic was over, we saw no reason to stop.
I love how you found your book club friend through choices of books and movies. Inner mental landscapes revealed:). Speaking of books, I can imagine someone writing a book about your college friend cocktail party. Must be such a rich set of relationships.
My favorite Uncle died at age 99. I was his confidant and close family tie. He always told me, as you age it is hard to find friends. As he aged many of his friends (and peers) died. He stayed in the same home and neighbors died or moved. I was working and raising children and had no shortage of friends. Now as I age, I totally understand what he was saying. Friends and friendships are definitely harder to cultivate. My circle of friends could be larger but having two good friends living nearby is okay. That said, I am open to enlarging my circle. Your blog dialog is great. This topic is appreciated and helpful for all.
Thank you, Susan. Sorry your uncle is gone. Two good friends, close enough to do something spontaneous like lunch, a walk, or shopping, sounds perfect. As does being open to enlarging your circle as it may happen or not. I am grateful for the generous thoughts shared here by everyone.
We moved to a small seaside town after 40 +years in Seattle. A friend encouraged me to join AAUW and it has been a welcome opportunity to meet other women of various ages, though mostly retired. There are many social activities to engage in: book groups, hiking, learning about wine, gardening, etc. This is a national organization with a long history. AAUW.org
Jane