Privilege Blog

Walking Home From Dinner On A Chilly Evening, Or, Saturday Morning at 10:48am

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, if you celebrated. Ours was very quiet and I wore soft clothes.

Woman in her 60s wearing a blue silk tunic and brown Eileen Fisher Carrot pants

But hard shoes. Feels like a metaphor I can’t quite get.

My kids were with their partners’ families, so my husband and I took the opportunity to celebrate just the two of us. We walked to a local steakhouse that was feeding people turkey as well as beef. The leaves had fallen. I would have had more style with a scarf, but I didn’t want to futz with it at the restaurant because I’ve left enough beautiful swaths of silk and cashmere behind over the years.

 

My shirt’s under there, I promise. No plan to shock the crowd.

And here’s something I said in an online discussion:

Walked home from Thanksgiving dinner at a steakhouse, cries of “Andalé, Andalé!” rising from a public soccer field across the way. The night was dark, the air chilly. and I thanked my every step that I live here and wish I knew how to share it with our whole country.

That’s how I’m feeling now, about America and where we find ourselves. I wish I knew how to convince those who are scared and finding comfort in anger, that people in coastal California (and other places with a similar political and ethical structure), are wonderful. That we too bury our feet in leaves and wish our kids would come home for the holidays, but, we are happy when people wearing shorts on a cold American holiday night yell encouragement in a foreign language.

However, it is possible that towns like mine are one thing driving this hatred of immigrants and intent to shove women into old roles. These days it’s almost impossible to buy a house here. I understand the resentment.

But I can do something about housing prices. Something tiny, maybe, but not nothing. In brief, California has instituted a state requirement that towns build more housing, for multiple income levels. As you can imagine, towns resist. So I’m supporting new development of multi-family dwellings, particularly near our train system. Two birds in one; climate change and housing affordability. Something.

The election was, in my emotional reality, a terrible thing. So much work to be done, from immediate succor for those at risk–people needing reproductive care in some states, immigrants, the list is long–to gearing up for and donating to support legal and procedural fights, to participating in new networks of information to combat lies that foment hatred. To say nothing of kicking off he upcoming election cycle.

We don’t yet know how terrible this will be, nor in what ways, precisely. But I believe those of us not at immediate risk, those of us with resources, can pick something, anything, to do. We can get going.

So this isn’t a post about being thankful, per se, or gratitude. I’ve known I’m fortunate since I was old enough to notice how my family lived, to separate our circumstances from the sheer fact of having parents and siblings and eating food at a long wooden table. Now, I may be glad that my family and I don’t live in as much risk as many, but that feeling is brief.

Mostly I feel resolved. Resolved to do whatever I can. What exactly? Not even sure. To what end? Can’t say, precisely, but with a swelling hope that more in this country can feel happy on a cold night.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I continue to recommend soft pants.

 

Edited to add, after some thought.

  1. If you can’t do anything, please feel no guilt or shame. This has to be a movement and a community that’s primarily supportive of people’s needs. I am the last one to exhort you beyond your capacity.
  2. A short list of links so you can visit organizations/leaders with idea of what to do, if you’re so inclined
    1. The ACLU, for donations to the legal fight
    2. You’ll know what your local issues and organizations are. If you’re interested in increasing the housing stock, YIMBY is a good term to Google
    3. From most centrist to more traditionally leftist:
      1. Amy Siskind on Facebook
      2. Swing Left for grass roots campaign volunteering
      3. New Power Project to support emergent candidates of color
      4. Indivisible, an umbrella organization for local progressive groups

 

Any other resource you’ve found useful, welcomed.

 

 

36 Responses

  1. What I don’t understand is the fact that many of Trump’s supporters are still angry–even after winning the election. The voters like us are not really angry–we are sad and resolved.

    We also celebrated Thanksgiving with just the two of us. I will admit being a bit wistful about all the large family gatherings. We will be spending Christmas with our NY family and we are looking forward to that.

    1. Maybe we just don’t do anger. I don’t find it comforting to feel angry, and yet I know some people do. What causes that difference I really don’t know. I’m happy you will get to NYC for Christmas with your family, particular the new guy on the block;).

      1. Huh? I’m a Democrat. I’m far less angry than I am saddened and resolved to make changes. I read a Psychology Today study a few years back that found conservatives’ primary differentiating emotional trait was fear, carried as anger.

        I believe I’m disagreeing with you.

        1. “Fear, carried [passively] as Anger,” makes a lot of sense. As does Anger, [masked passively as Sad], make the same kind of sense. I can accept them both as the human condition.

          Earlier today, I rejoiced that your blog title felt Frost-ian, I could amost hear the harness bells in a quiet meditative response. I felt calm.

          Then 47 began releasing his appointments this afternoon.

          Speechless. How are Revulsion and Shock registered [passively, internally] at the cellular level? I worry for myself, and for the health of this nation.

          Take care, everyone.

          1. The way 47 takes over our nervous systems, and fuels himself from our horror, is villainous. I just tell myself I alone can’t fight these appointments but I sure can call my Senators and Congresswoman and insist that they do. It’s something to do, some place to route all those frenzied neurons. I’m really sorry this is feeling so awful, and I get it.

            1. Lisa, I appreciate your forthrightness re: your views, post-election. Resolve matters, and, for those of us with family members who refuse or cannot acknowledge their anger and its consequences, so does a recognition of our need to find community and sustenance elsewhere.

            2. Thank you. I will definitely do SOMEthing, bypassing my Senators and Congresspersons who [in my state of Florida] are in 47 lockstep. My Senator, for example, has been tapped for Secretary of State. The lowered gangplank, the hand-picked ship of fools ascending, assembling. We wait.

            3. C, below, you are welcome. There comes a time when we all act on our convictions. I’m glad you’re here.

          2. We wait in a pirate ship? You said we contain multitudes, but never could I ever have seen myself as a “kind pirate”! I will need new nautical clothes! ‘Til next Saturday, then….

  2. We also went out, with family. I also didn’t wear my new coat or any scarf for the same reason which is crazy since I have very few occasions to wear either!

    What Susan D says is true – but I think so many of them are just angry people. That blue on you is gorgeous! And of course, I love your hard Grensons!

    1. Thank you for the blue appreciation;). You definitely inspired the Grensons! I wish we knew what made people inclined to be angry. I can only imagine that they went through something in their youth which taught them in order to avoid harm, get angry first. Or else it was modeled? Some of it is hard-wired?

      It’s really funny that we are so over the futzing, as we pass 65, even those of us who LOVED to dress up.

      1. When I was a child, I remember a conversation with my mother. My brother yelled because I had accidentally stepped on his foot. My mother explained that often, people respond in anger when they are hurt and don’t want to let others see. I have revisited this again and again throughout my life, and it holds true in so many contexts.

  3. Quietly hosted our adult kids and are more grateful for them all the time.

    Anger can help, but it has to be very carefully wielded as a tool instead of a weapon. Probably becoming resolve at that point.

    Agreed that local efforts are very powerful. We’re also increasing time with family and friends. But first, my leftovers need wrangling.

    1. Anger as a tool rather than a weapon becomes resolve. Ah. Yes. I love that. And prioritizing leftover use is its own act of justice. Glad you could see your adult kids.

  4. This year I gathered with my folks, eldest daughter and her partner and a couple of friends at my Sierra cabin. We have been slowly eating our way through the tiny 1950s fridge, hiking, reading, and cutting our Christmas trees.

    I live in a small farm town, where my center-left politics are in the minority. My family has been here for several generations, and people know me. I do not hide my politics and think it’s good for folks to see that we are all more alike than different. Bunkering up is not the answer, as you clearly know – hence your support of affordable housing. Enjoy your holiday season, Lisa.

    1. Thank you. The cabin in the mountains sounds so wonderful. And I think not hiding our politics, in the places where we are known and trusted, is key. That why I’ve begun to speak about politics a little more here. I used to feel I was protecting my friends by giving them a politics-free space, but I no longer think that’s the best protection I can offer.

  5. After reading your remarks about the election I immediately resubscribed to your blog. I was happy to see that you articulated my feelings so eloquently. I have stopped watching and reading the news and I feel healthier already! Your words are helpful and hopeful.

    1. Audrey, thank you so very much. I love not watching cable news, or reading the big papers. We can know what we need to know about the world with so little effort, no need to listen to 8902900 opinions just to glean the few facts required. Real facts, BTW. We aren’t the crew who looks for fake ones.

  6. On affordable housing and how it relates to sustainability, have you ever read Henry Grabar’s excellent PAVED PARADISE (on the wild ways Americans’ policies and feelings related to parking have shaped and are continuing to shape this country)? One major reason it’s difficult to build housing for a variety of income levels is that the parking spaces municipalities require developers to provide for those housing units – even in areas where most people use public transportation as their primary means of getting around – make building affordable housing prohibitively expensive. If we are truly going to solve the affordable housing crisis in this country, we have to radically change the way we think about and legislate parking.

    1. I haven’t read that, being the philistine I am around long form non fiction, but, yes in fact in my town the most recent battle is the city trying to build very low income housing in the huge parking lots that line our meagre downtown. Housing that would shelter those who work in all the new assisted living and memory care facilities, and other places. There’s a great big parking lot several blocks away, but oooooh don’t make us walk!

      1. (I’d note that parking is a lifeline to those who can drive [or have someone who can drive them], but can’t walk, or can’t walk far. It gets tricky; I was bus-and-walk teen and college student… and now I black out within 3 minutes of standing upright, and have severe heat intolerance [so public transit in the summer: nope; ditto for quite simply being outdoors for more than a few minutes when it’s hot, so also no long wheelchair transit]. I do agree that it’d be good to reduce reliance on cars! And a lot of things can be done to allow that! But a no-car area, if it has days over 85F, is an area I actually just can’t stay alive in, and I’m not the only one with mobility impairment, and a lot of people with mobility impairment rely on their cars – and available parking – to allow them to live alone instead of in an institution.)(Seattle, 20 years ago, had an on-demand disability shuttle that would come around and take people to appointments/shopping/whatever, which, if adequate, would mostly solve the problem, though. But you can’t just knock parking down to an “finding a parking spot is unreliable” level and assume people will Find A Way somehow, esp. since normal ride-share companies and taxis usually can’t carry motorized wheelchairs, and some people have to severely limit sun exposure due to lupus et al so they can’t just wait outdoors, etc.)

        (there are lots of these things, though, as well; therapy animals in public vs. the people who are allergic to that type of animal; immunocompromised people would be safest if everyone was wearing a mask, and people who rely on lip-reading are best off if no one is wearing a mask; people with chronic migraine usually need low light/low sound, and people with visual impairment usually need a lot of light and/or some sound indicators. And having enough housing – and not killing the climate – matter!!! But it is maybe useful to remain aware that “just” walking an extra block quite simply makes a particular outing impossible to a percentage of the population, some of whom are invisibly disabled?)

        (I hope this does not sound too gripe-y. It’s just a repeated theme with Green Urban Planning, that some percentage of Green Urban Planning assumes that everyone is able-bodied and can walk or bike so if you just take away the option to use a car, it’ll be fine, and… uh. People age; people get sick; people break bones and are temporarily disabled; that needs to stay in the mix.)

        (also thank you for the original blog post, and YES to hearing yelled encouragement in any language! It’s a glorious thing to have a community that is, for lack of a better term, generous.)

  7. And I wish I knew how to convince people who are who are scared and finding comfort in anger inside your little political and ethical bubble that the rest of the country is also filled with wonderful people. My Thanksgiving was filled with people across political, ethnic, economic, age and religious divides. Yet we somehow managed to laugh, talk, love and be happy together. No one held anything against another…not who they voted for, not who they slept with, not how much money they had, not what god they believed in, not what country they came from. No heated arguments occurred. No fist fights broke out. Why? Because we are adults who understand the world is filled with people different from ourselves that make our worldview larger and more full of understanding. Our differences make us stronger. Many of my friends around the country also had similar gatherings. By seeing others as less than for whatever reasons, you do a disservice to them…and yourself.

    1. Several thoughts.

      No one I know is primarily angry. No one here on the blog is primarily expressing anger. It sounds as though your celebration was a happy one. If your group was able to speak freely about their beliefs, find common ground maybe, and still feel love for each other even if they didn’t all vote the same way, that must have felt good to you. I hope no one was suppressing strong or true feelings.

      You also say “Because we are adults who understand the world is filled with people different from ourselves that make our worldview larger and more full of understanding.” There’s the rub. My community agrees with the differences making our worldview larger. Hence my description of the local soccer game. My community, however, feels very strongly that those who voted for 47 want all divergence from a white Christian majority (some Jews exempted)–in gender expression, sexuality, the role of women in families, race, national origins–to be forced either into hiding or out of the country. With that belief, it becomes impossible to feel benign about the election. Impossible to feel it’s an, “Oh well, just a difference of opinion” moment.

      You also say, “By seeing others as less than for whatever reasons, you do a disservice to them…and yourself.” If you read my post again, you will see that nowhere do I imply in any way that I see others as “less than.” Lacking evidence to contradict this perspective, I see them as angry, resentful, and ready to ignore fact upon fact upon fact confirming 47s malicious intent, and statement upon statement upon statement that if carried out risks deep harm to people I love. I assume there’s an emotional underpinning for these feelings but I don’t understand how it doesn’t fade away with self-examination.

      Were this just about more funding for rural counties, or better prices for commodities, fine. But that’s not what I’ve heard.

      While your vote lost you any warm feelings on my part, if you could give me a reason for your vote, one based in evidence-based, reasoned-by-experts facts, one that allows all people to grow without harming other into who they believe they must be, I could change my mind.

      I understand I will not convince you. That’s not my task. I want to provide warm words and thoughts for those who feel as I do. We dearly need both.

      Oh, and if you’d like to tell me why you voted as you did, please feel free to email me at the skyepeale/yahoo email address. I’m not going to host long discussions here, but am happy to hear your feelings/thinkings elsewhere.

  8. First of all, to address something completely trivial; I like your coat! I’ve been searching for a new camel wool coat for the last month or so and finally found one that looks much like yours. Wool, actual wool coats seem to be in short supply these days, but I found one – the priciest of all I looked at but a classical cut and one that I think will serve me well for a long time. Sigh – in this case, I got what I paid for.

    Next, I really appreciate the thoughtful way you have replied to your political opposites, in particular to the last post. I’ve asked his voters the same question you asked – “Why?” There’s never a real answer, and that’s frustrating. Who was it who said, what we have to fear is fear itself?

    I’ll be retired from my teaching career in two weeks. I’ve been asked by many “What are you going to do?” and the election has shown me at least a general answer to that question; I’ll be doing what I can to combat the local effects of what I suspect are the bad things to come from you-know-who.

    Also not watching the news. But I am reading Amy Siskind. Also, may I suggest that you check out Heather Cox Richardson, if you do not read her already.

    1. Oh, a good coat is not trivial at all:). I’m glad you like mine, I’m very fond of it. I still have the black cashmere one I bought 45 years ago at Bergdorf’s in NYC, so I’m guessing that if you’re going to invest in clothing, a coat is a good thing!

      I suspect your community is lucky to have you, and thank you for your years of teaching. I hope you find compatriots for a good cause. I will check out Heather Cox Richardson as I see her referred to often, and you’ve nudged me, so thanks.

      What is the answer? Why do people vote this way? If only they could tell us, or would.

  9. Hi Lisa!
    I love this post….and commentary. Passionate and full of feelings. And here, it’s most appropriate & appreciated. I’m grateful for Gwoman’s comments, as they align with my own thoughts in many ways.
    -on to Tuesday!

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