When you first have babies they shrink your world. Nothing larger than their little noses matters. And then they become small children, and bigger children, and teens and young adults.
All during those years I called my children, “my children.” Sometime in the last several years I began to say, “my adult children.” It’s factually true, my daughter and son are 37 and 34, respectively, but it was also and is now emotionally true. Something has shifted.
Above you see the view from the apartment my son shares with his boyfriend, on a recent trip I took. A vista, if you will, far mountains pink in the sunrise. There came a moment when I realized that my adult kids were now expanding my world, and had been for a while. The shift required some struggle. I found it tricky to relinquish my role as The One Who Knows.
But at this point, I love that they know more than me about many things. That they have thoughts I could not produce on my own. It’s not just their knowledge of new domains, neurosurgery, art, but the perspectives they’ve developed from living in their particular slice of human history. I can coast in their wake. Which is not to say I’m ready to retire to my rocking chair, just that it’s not all on me.
We always said, when we had newborns, that the mother’s intelligence diminishes at birth, averaging out with the knowledge of the infant. That was certain a joke, but, the reverse, that the mother’s intelligence grows as her children become real adults, isn’t untrue.
Have a wonderful weekend everyone.
22 Responses
I think at all stages of parenthood, if open to it, you learn from your children. When my daughter was very young, I certainly learned to be in the present, and that I could leave my home with washing and blowdrying my hair :). I always had been a very strict planner, and learned to pivot quickly from said plans and make the best of it. On and on until adulthood, which as you say, is a whole new learning experience. Since my daughter lives close by, and has three small children, I’ve learned to give up control as the “centerer” of things. Passing the torch so to speak? And yes, just general knowledge which has actually made both sad (as I’m reminding myself of my mother and grandmother) when I was always explaining new things to them…but has also pushed me to stay up to date. Does this make any sense?
Oh, yes, it makes a lot of sense. I agree, I learned a lot from my children when they were little, just more about myself than the wider world. I used to say, as though I were wise which I was not, “Your baby is your Buddha:)”
“I always had been a very strict planner, and learned to pivot quickly from said plans and make the best of it.”
This is the developmental piece I missed. I marvel at “pivot quickly….make the best”!
I, a “childless cat lady” [aka, he was right the first time], never got that muscle up and running. I had friends who’d see me all rigid with frustration that my plans were being ignored, and say: “Why not just let it unfold?” But I didn’t know how to do that!
Despite being a stepmother to two small children [their actual mother was nearby, controlling everything they did], everything I know about motherhood comes from hearsay, which is how I’m learning so much from this post. Thanks to all here who’ve contributed to my education!
Hello Lisa, I think you got that slightly wrong. Giving birth in itself does not decrease intelligence, but holding babies does kill brain cells. Ask me how I know. And anyway, it’s worth it.
By the way, you have revealed yourself as a true San Franciscan here. You didn’t talk about your son’s life or work, just the quality of his View. All San Franciscans seem endlessly to be comparing Views.
–Jim
It’s so worth it;). And I agree, it’s not the giving birth it’s the taking care of;). Now, hey, that view is in Los Angeles where my son lives but perhaps yes, my obsession with it is San Franciscan at base.
Having a baby doesn’t damage one’s intelligence – it simply lessens one’s opportunities to express one’s intelligence! I had my second child during my second year of teaching at an academically-renowned women’s college, and sometimes had him with me during hours set side for meeting with individual students. Several of those students told me later that having a conversation/discussion with me about, say, the novels of Henry James while I changed my baby’s diaper was both eye-opening and reassuring: yes, motherhood and intellectual activity were not incompatible, and they too could look forward to having both. (Even if Mr James himself was probably rolling over in his no doubt exquisitely-appointed grave…)
What an amazing role model! I was kind of joking about the damaged intelligence. I did find it shrank my lens on the word, but of course I wasn’t working so simply staying home might have done the same thing.
Anyone else remember thinking how omniscient babies look? Mine have always been able to see through to the essentials. Humbling.
Oh my gosh yes! We used to say my daughter looked as though she thought we were well-meaning but didn’t really know what we were doing LOL.
“I love that they know more than me….that they have thoughts I could not produce on my own….I can coast in their wake…..it’s not all on me.”
Profound, as always.
yes! i look forward to my son’s opinions on a variety of topics (but spoiler alert: i have done this long before he was considered “adult”.) i marvel at his wide-ranging intelligence and thoughtfulness. and yes, at times i –happily– coast in his wake.
Thank you, Flo.
The shift from The One Who Knows. Yes! Wonderful but a little disconcerting at times?
Thank you for your thought-provoking words which made me realise something I hadn’t consciously registered
You are so welcome. Absolutely disconcerting, in its own way, as a harbinger of the aging to come.
Ahhh yes, that ping of pride in your heart when it registers that your child’s expertise and insights exceed your own.
It is a ping!
This is for one of your previous posts, where you spoke about the outcome of the election and the shock of it, others chimed in about four more years, we have to endure it and nothing can be done, etc. you or someone said yes, something COULD be done when things go south. You can call or write your congressman and let him know how you feel. I thought that was a good idea, so I told my husband, the Economics graduate about it, sure he would agree.
To my surprise he said, “What can they do?” i gave a few examples and he proceeded to inform me that when you ask Government to straighten out trouble, you are heading into Socialism. Better to let the market sort it out.
What do you think? I am rather stunned/confused.
Ah. Well, first of all, yes, our congress can do something or why would we elect them?
In terms of your husband’s point, I myself used to think the market could solve most ills. I still like what Elizabeth Warren called a “well-regulated capitalism,” but I believe that regulations become more and more important as we move forward in history.
Why? First, even economics will admit that there are market failures. The Tragedy of the Commons is the best known (see climate change), but I imagine your husband knows the others. The Prisoner’s Dilemma is another . Second, I believe we are reaching the point where the free market starts to break as many things as it enables. Late-stage capitalism is the term. If so, we have to try to move beyond the amassing of wealth to enabling more equity. There’s a big gap between the free market and the kind of socialism we saw in the Soviet Union and Mao’s China. Time to explore it for the good of us all.
Does he… not *like*… living in a country that is not third-world? Clean air? People have a right to object if their tap water isn’t drinkable? You don’t have to bleach-wash all your produce? OTC medications are what they say they are, even if they are the cheapest option for that medication on the shelf? Prescription medications that just… are… what they say they are, without the watermarking holographic proofs on the package that are needed in India? Where toothpaste is safe? There are a number of countries where, when people visit the US, they buy certain things – vitamins, supplements, infant formula – because due to US regulation *the things are what they say they are* and this is not trivial.
I also have appreciated, in the past few years, the No Surprises bill for medical in/out of network care, and the requirement that airlines be up front about total costs of your ticket, *AND* the requirement that if they cancel your flight, you can *GET A REFUND*.
These are not things individual consumers can accomplish, especially when companies have a monopoly or near-monopoly. (Which is another thing the US government sometimes does things about! Usually not enough, but. Anyway. A lack of rules – or a lack of enforcement of some rules – has practical consequences that place an undue burden on individuals: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/12/food-deserts-robinson-patman/680765/ )
So some things, sure, let the market sort it out; but other stuff: the market simply will not; the corporations have more power than the consumers (what are you going to do, just not buy insulin? Which is another thing that got remedied recently, the price of insulin!!!) and the consumers need an advocate.
But maybe he was just tired; or had recently read an article about something where government messed something up entirely (it does sometimes! either through incompetence or malice or both!); we can hope he’s not actually going for the “why have the government do anything [repair roads; keep track of food poisoning cases and sources and alert the public; check bridge safety; require companies to fill contractual agreements; insure banks], consumers could [???] do it instead” sort of vision of the nation.
Ha! I will see how he responds to the two above comments. I have a feeling I misquoted him, we shall see.
M
Jumping back to the topic of adult kids, I want to mention the joy we feel watching our kids become amazing parents. The way they mimic what you taught them, and the way they learn to appreciate how hard it is to be a parent. This full circle transformation of our adult children is a joy to behold.
Not just for biological mothers and fathers, it’s for anyone who has had the blessing of parenting a child.
I am going to start using that term, ‘adult children.’ It not only reflects who they are, it also reflects the journey they took to get where they are, to learn about themselves, to embrace themselves, to learn new information and skills, to become adults. At ages 34 and 30, mine are indeed adults. For Thanksgiving this year I traveled to my daughter’s apartment in Maine. She cooked a delicious meal and we three – my daughter, her boyfriend, and I – spent the day together. Sometimes we are aware of significant life changes only in hindsight. This change I knew in real time; something shifted when my daughter hosted Thanksgiving for the first time. I felt it deeply inside; it was a breathtakingly beautiful shift from me to her.
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