I am consumed by wedding planning.
I had always assumed projects to be 80% ideation and planning, vs. 20% implementation. Probably attributing the majorityto what I’m good at. Humans, we are imperfect and often incorrect. I now believe the real ratio of ideas vs. things is at best 60% vs. 40%. Probably even lower but just thinking that waymakes me feel like I’m about to stub my toe.
In plainer terms, having imagined centerpieces and layouts, concepts for signage, etc., and “looks” from here to eternity, I’m now trying to figure out how Wedding Thing A gets to Point X – by Time Specified, and Weddings Things B-D arrive at Points Y or Z. Not to mention how to wear the outfits I have purchased with shoes I already own. Resources are not infinite, nor should they be.
A good while ago, I wrote something about Project vs. Process People. For the sake of not feeling as though I’m swimming through a dark lake full of old tires while trying to transport breakable vases, let’s consider two more possible axes. Conceptual models are so calming.
Two Additional Axes In The Machinery Of Accomplishing Things
- Imagining vs. implementing (visual vs. tactile, gross motor vs. small motor, words vs. numbers, as sub-categories)
- The thrill of novelty vs. comfort from well-rehearsed skills
And now, let’s say we might make a matrix. That’s me in the labeled square. (Also me who couldn’t figure out how to do this and appreciate the correction in comments more than I can say.)
This trait, as you can imagine, is sometimes highly useful and sometimes not. And you can also imagine that someone whose skills fall more into Concrete and Familiar might shudder at even this hint of a matrix, much preferring to start wading through the aforesaid lake, picking up tires and heaving them to shore.
Do you recognize your own thinking anywhere?
I don’t think there’s one right way to navigate, although it can be helpful to recognize one’s tendencies. I do think it’s the weekend and I hope you get a moment free from struggle. A moment to look up at the sky, infinite and unencumbered, or down at the ground to feel, well, you know, grounded.
19 Responses
List-maker and happy plodder signing in! I also lock into a decision as soon as possible and am guilty of sticking to it longer than would get me something I liked more. Meanwhile, husband researches things unto exhaustion, and his favorite phrase is “What if…” We joke that between the two of us, we form one well-adjusted human being. People are such endearing messes!
Happy plodders will save the world, I swear. I can absolutely imagine the “what if,” and being another let’s lock it down person, I shudder. Affectionately;). We are endearing messes, one hundred percent.
A moment to feel grounded is so good for us all. I’m a project person like you and live in my head — definitely “wholly conceptual” too. I can get anxious if things aren’t doable as planned, even though I know something is likely to go wrong and need adjusting in the moment anyway. I’m trying to learn to detach from outcomes and have gotten a whole lot better at that with age, but it’s still hard. Meaningful projects seem gargantuan because I’m so afraid I’ll ruin something and be unable to fix it. I’d love to envision myself as the curious learner who takes everything in stride, but I know I’m the learner who has to have prepared for every single contingency beforehand to ensure that things can’t go wrong. Responsibility is heavy, and I deeply admire the process people.
I hope everything goes seamlessly with your wedding planning — but most of all, have fun and take breaks for connection and cool grass and pretty flowers and birdsong. Your daughter’s wedding will be beautiful and the day will be full of love and joy. Happy weekend!
Sending you a big hug for those gargantuan seeming projects. I will absolutely take breaks. I hope I can be as good at letting go of outcomes for this wedding as I was for my own.
I kind of hate to tell you this, but feel I must. One of your axes has to be perpendicular to the other; they can’t be parallel. The way you have it set up. There is no way to be both “concrete“ and “new“, which I suspect is the category I fall into. Or perhaps that is the “process“ part of me saying that the details need to be attended to.
I hope you are having a wonderful time planning this wedding.
I knew I had done this wrong but I couldn’t for the life me sort it out! I am glad you told me. I will go fix it. Oh that poor brain of mine!
Jess writes: “I know I’m the learner who has to have prepared for every single contingency beforehand to ensure that things can’t go wrong.”
Hear ye! I’m hellbent to have contingencies covered beforehand too, but not to ensure that things can’t go wrong. For me, covering details and contingencies is a selfish act so that guests will leave me the heck alone come party time.
I don’t want guests coming to me with questions once the event unfolds – I want all possible questions already answered at the bar setup [where are the cocktail napkins? can I get some more ice for my drink?]; at the buffet table [is this plate large enough to hold all I want? does anyone have any matches?]; at the tablesettings [where’s the cutlery? are there larger dinner napkins? I don’t see any salt, is there salt?] or, in Lisa’s case, at the Bride’s table where people will inevitably expect to bring their presents [rather than in my day, presents were sent to the Bride’s or Bride’s Parents’ house via separate delivery].
Sounds to me like you’re set, Lisa. Outfits ready to go, hair ready to go, “face project” ready to go, shoes selected.
I have ALWAYS thought that once the C-clan assembles, and hits the high pitch that your clan always does [past blog posts], that you’ll be transported from your tactical duties into wild clan hysteria, and it’ll be all high sprits from that point on.
I’m sure of it!
Thank you, Flo. I have been laser-focused on making sure that the day-of I can be free from fretting. The venue provides a day-of coordinator, hooray, and not only that, one of my daughter’s highly competent friends has agreed to be the point of contact for the coordinator, also on the day of, so I have hopes that I will in fact feel calm-ish:)
I’ve done two large, complex weddings, without the help of a wedding planner. I really enjoyed it – but…I wanted to enjoy the wedding and reception of each (without feeling the huge burden of being the “go-to” person for any possible contingencies).
So – I hired a “wedding planner” for the day of. I went over everything a week or so before, and then they were there or sort of oversaw it all. I could relax and enjoy the event. Highly recommend!
Absolutely. The venue provides a coordinator, and one of my daughter’s super organized friends has agreed to be point of contact, reaching out to me only if absolutely necessary, so I hope I also will relax and enjoy:) Thank you.
When there is a problem, my engineer husband wants to take a long time to analyze it and explore various options.
This is a great approach for planning something in the future – an international trip, a car purchase, marriage – but it does not work for emergencies.
I am of the “Let’s try something anything right now” persuasion, which is the proper approach when the sewer drain backs up and the basement is flooded and the carpet in the finished section is soaked so I grab bath towels to get water out of the carpet or when a baby bat falls into the upstairs toilet and I want to use grill tongs to get it out of the water before it drowns.
I had to point out to my husband that it’s easier to replace towels than carpet and that food tongs can be sterilized and did he want the death of a (very cute very scared) endangered species on his head.
Also, it has been my sad experience that the ideas are the easy part but implementing – including building damn consensus – is the really hard part.
It does not work for emergencies! Very glad your bat made it. It is sad to discover that consensus is hard work. But yes, it often is.
Hello Lisa, I have to admit that at first I thought you meant axes as the plural of axe, when the usual expression is to throw wrenches into the works. Then I read the first line about the wedding, and I thought that perhaps plural-of-axe was in fact the mot juste. Then I realized you were talking about plural-of-axis. Question: Is it too late for them to elope?
By the way, your simile about “a dark lake full of old tires while trying to transport breakable vases” is not so abstract as it seems. A while ago, when there was a drought and water levels were way down, I was at the edge of a lake and noticed a large vessel-like object partly revealed. I managed to get it out of the mud and rinsed off and it turned out to be a beautiful and interesting ceramic vase. Since it had a date and signature, I was able to contact the artist who was surprised that I was in possession of his vase, since he told me he had sunk it to the bottom of a lake. I told him that was exactly where I found it. That vase was displayed next to my fireplace the rest of my time in Cleveland.
–Jim
p.s. Old riddle: How was Henry VIII different from other husbands? Answer: First he married his wives, then he axed them.
Ha! I mean, kind of ha? Henry was a bit of a jerk;).Anyway, I absolutely love that you found the artist’s vase in the lake. Much better than some Lady;).
Dear Darling Be-deviled Lisa: I have these suggestions: 1) Hire good people and let them work their magic; 2) follow KSL’s advice re hiring a day-of-wedding planner; 3) remember that everyone at the wedding wants it to be happy and beautiful and any problems will become part of the fun; 4) you’ll know everything that has gone wrong, but no one else will; and 5) MOST IMPORTANTLY, serve good champagne! Plus, have a good time yourself, of course, and remember that it’s the marriage that matters, not the wedding. All love, Victoire
All excellent advice. Day-of coordinator in place! With reinforcements! And I am hoping I can reach the state of Zen you describe, glass of good wine in hand. Absolutely it’s the marriage. But Bliss would be happy, I think:).
With the mention of your Dad it just occurred to me, you’re the Clan Elder now. So, not only the MOB but also the Matriarch.
Here’s to YOU, and here’s to figuring out how to get Wedding Things A B C D to Points X Y Z, as Matriarchs have been doing for generations.
CORRECTION: Above ^ should read “…as Matriarchs have been delegating for generations.”
I like a solid plan and then implement to the plan. Hire good people to make everything happen smoothly.
Of upmost importance, everybody must have a good time. Also, be assured, generally little mishaps will go un-noticed. You might notice but nobody else will.