I was talking to my son, a good man, about Utopia. In fact, he was talking about the vision he and his friends have for the future of human society and I started thinking about Utopia. Simply put, in in my opinion to get there the people of this world would need to be happier before we even had a chance. No matter what system we construct, if people are unhappy, won’t they find a way to use the system to get theirs? And then some?
But rather than fret about the cheaters, the grifters and the bullies, maybe we imagine how everyone grows up happier.
In fact I was moved to write today having read Emily Henderson’s post on her best summer ever. It involved a vacation house in the mountains, a husband and wife with somewhat portable and quite lucrative careers, and a lot of friends who visited from the near-enough large city. Who am I to begrudge her that happiness? I do not. She’s worked hard; I’ve had a summer like that myself. I remember the three weeks on Martha’s Vineyard when my kids were something like nine and six. We stayed in my father’s guest house, my best friend and her young family visited, the children still wet from an outdoor shower danced on the lawn at sunset. And Sweden. I know that privilege per se doesn’t warrant punishment.
But I also know it’s much harder to grow up happy if you’ve depleted your coping skills just surviving. And by surviving I mean eating, sleeping safely, knowing which adults are in charge and that they will do everything in their power to keep you safe, but I also mean being spoken to for the most part with respect, being seen as someone with a right to a self that is yours, having parents who protect and love you but they know they don’t own you. Good parents know that you aren’t there to help them grow up, it’s the other way around.
It’s so hard to parent well. Poverty makes it harder. But, if I remember so many years ago, so do the suburbs. As do jobs that require you to commute and sometimes fly to Europe. Also the way your own parents were raised, the things they didn’t learn, the sorrows they suffered and the paths they tried to take, all they could not know and therefore couldn’t teach you.
Again I find it harder to think about fixing what’s broken than to imagine perfection.
In Utopia, every kid is fed well. They know where they are sleeping that night, and that they are physically safe; they know they can go to the doctor if they get sick, they go to a school where they can learn. These are the basics. They are not enough.
In Utopia, all the people in charge of children share an understanding of the human temperament, that some people are born with a tendency to anger and need to learn to manage it, some people sink natively into sorrow and need tools to climb out. Also that that shame is only useful in very small amounts, only for those behaviors that might damage someone else severely. Not for how we look, how often we cry, or why and then we fail.
And in Utopia, all the people in charge of children are supported. This is where it becomes impossible really quickly but I don’t suppose that means we shouldn’t imagine it.
In Utopia people smile at anyone with a small screaming child in the supermarket, because. Actually, maybe nobody has to bring the kids to the market because they can leave their kid with the neighbor–everyone lives close together and we all know each other. Maybe there are no suburbs, no cars for that matter. Maybe the children play in the fields all day, or on city streets, stopping only to count things or read the books they carry in their knapsacks.
Wait. There couldn’t be too many of these beautiful free creatures because we burden the planet.
It becomes impossible.
Let’s just say that if we had to choose an anchoring question to design human systems, for me it would be how do we grow people who are as kind as possible? Because I can’t think of a single social system that is strong enough or shiny enough to prevent those who have great holes in their hearts–and either no skills to heal themselves or else a compensatory ability to justify their behavior–from causing harm.
I am interested to hear from you. But you may not choose to spend a Saturday at the end of summer considering Utopia, as all we may ever know of it here on earth might be waiting for you in the kitchen, or just outside your door.
Have a good weekend.
45 Responses
My father used to tell me, where there’s a will, there’s a way. If something seems too hard, you should try harder and persist. I guess that’s all we can do is persist.
@Jane, I like that idea in this context. Because even the trying will be good for someone, even if only in the person who sees you through their car window, in passing.
Lisa, I think contemplating Utopia is one of the very best things we can do. I remember taking an English Literature class in college titled Utopian Literature. I loved the ideas even then. And you are so right, it takes being happy and safe to even think about Utopia.
@Susan D., What a wonderful way to look at this – that contemplating Utopia is useful. I’ve gotten so attuned to the practical, time to dream.
And if we can’t contemplate and imagine it, there’s no way we can ever get there. Keep thinking about it. I am.
@Texan In Exile, So encouraging. Thank you.
Lisa, What an extraordinarily written piece and complicated topic.
I find joy in bits and pieces of my life that elevate my sense of well being. I do not seek Utopia but rather the best life I can achieve.
I know many people struggle and don’t really have a chance to even contemplate how their lives can be better as they are occupied with survival. I think this is part of the reason many find religion so compelling.
@luci, Thank you. I don’t imagine Utopia for myself, I’m more like you, only I wonder could we ever build it for future generations. I think you must be right, the impossibility of it in this lifetime must be how many arrive at religion.
I think we have to dream, because otherwise it all becomes just too dreadful. I live in a college town with terrible income inequality — picture the medical professors and scientists at one end of town and the janitors and other contract workers at the other. We’ve put together a group to try to bridge the gaps, but those at the top end of the scale don’t come and those at the other end struggle to participate. Still, it’s worth the effort and we’ve made some progress in two of the poorest schools and increased access to health care for those children at least. Small steps to utopia.
@Lynn, It seems to me that what you’ve done is the best possible thing one could do right now to work towards the kind of Utopia I imagine.
I don’t think about Utopia…but I believe in kindness and respect for others. Our world is in such a mess that all I feel I can do are small things that help make our days happier.
You’ve given us something to dream about today…
Thank you.
@Leslie Lord, You are very welcome. And I thank you too. I don’t think about Utopia often myself, in this case, it was prompted in large part by my son. You know how it was when our children open our minds. <3
Such a thoughtful post, inspired by a post about the best of the times some of us might have been privileged to experience. With far fewer (financial) resources when my four were growing up, I’ve nonetheless had a taste of such happy times, and the week we spent by the Adriatic with adult kids and grandkids last summer was pretty wonderful. Idyllic even. But even if in a small way that felt Utopian, like you (I’m quite sure) those good times are always troubled, even if just fleetingly, by an awareness that there are so many children who are experiencing pain and want . . . pain and want that might reasonably be imagined to spill into the lives of the children whose upbringing I have a part in safeguarding. You’re right: it’s not the most fun idea to contemplate on a late summer Saturday afternoon. But if we could come up with the ounce of prevention that would spare us the pound of cure. . . .
xo to you for thinking out loud about the big stuff
Now go lazy weekend for a bit ;-)
@Frances/Materfamilias, Thank you for the thoughtful and beautifully written comment. Ounce of prevention.
And now I am eating pizza and drinking red wine, so, yes, absolutely lazy:).
I’ve just finished reading Tara Westover’s Educated, which makes me think that there’s no common understanding of what Utopia would be. Our version, of people being kind to one another, bears little relationship to what her father’s view would be. Guess I’m much too cynical right now. But I’d like to think that it’s still worthwhile to contemplate a Utopia and try to raise our children with that in mind.
@MJ, Wow. I wonder what his definition was. At the very least we can, as you say, raise our own children with a vision of the best humanity can be in mind.
Utopia, for me, equates to perfection. We can always strive for utopia. It is a lofty goal. Unfortunately, change is part of the human condition. Constant change means perfection is only momentary. (Like your Martha’s Vineyard vacation.) I ask: “Can we all be better people?” Kinder, more loving, happier people?
@Susan, “Constant change means perfection is only momentary.” So wholly true. It’s about becoming people who are capable of contributing and living in Utopia.
His Utopia would be a theocracy in which men rule, women serve them, and children are obedient. Very depressing, in no small part because it makes me realize that we don’t all share common goals for humankind.
@Susan, Yes, and that’s exactly why I think that before we could envision Utopia for everyone we would have to start with making life better for each and every child in the world. So that when those children grew up, they would (Not just the poor ones but the ones raised by damaged parents) not imagine a Utopia that could be unfair or cruel.
Hello Lisa, Utopias are so complicated, since they often involve one person or group deciding what is most perfect for everyone. For example, some might deem it better to go shopping without squalling children, but on the other hand, it is a bonding time for many, the kids learn about shopping and consumerism, and see many people and sights, all of which I am sure are important for their development and enjoyment of life.
–Jim
@Parnassus, Yes, that’s the thing, until we could guarantee that the person or persons making the “most perfect” decision was or were “most perfect” themselves, the best we can do is do one kind thing, implement one kind policy after the next.
This was beautiful, and exactly what I needed to read this week. Thank you for that.
@Julia, Thank you very much.
I really love this post. I’m returning from a summer in parts of Europe and they seem to have it more figured out. Early starts to the day. Siestas. Closing business in August. The children roamed freely in small towns, under the watchful gaze of all who saw them wander by. A woman collapsed in the street and so many people rushed to her aid. I returned to wealthy suburbia and it felt hollow but I’m optimistic this is just a phase and I’m hoping I’m educating my kids to take the good that’s in our area but keep a wider perspective. And then I want a tiny house in the city with too many neighbours and good coffee and to kick off phase three of my life which will be be closer to the utopia of phase one. This post was exactly what I needed. Xx
@Jen, Tiny house (or co-op up high) in the city as phase three, yes!!! I do think the United States had it more right than so many for a very long time, but we have lost our way. I have to hope we can get back, but I can’t say we offer much of a Utopia for anyone these days:(.
Kindness, kindness,kindness. Wonderful post!
@Laurie, Thank you. <3
Sorry for my misplaced reply (see below).
@MJ, Not to worry – I knew immediately what you were referring to.
My father reminded me years ago that the word means “No place” and not “the best/happiest place” despite Sir Thomas More’s original spelling – Eutopia . Presumably why William Morris called his book “News from Nowhere” and incidentally showing that Utopian should not be said with a sneer as in “we can’t afford a national health service/pensions/homes for all , that’s just Utopian !” now commonly said in the UK .So I try to remember that Utopias are invented to stretch the mind ie stimulate the imagination – not as blueprints . And some of us with a religion are just as interested in possibilities on Earth !
@Rukshana Afia, To stretch the mind. I never knew that. Sturdy Gals don’t do a lot of Utopian thinking usually;). And yes I am sure it’s possible to have a religion and be interested in possibilities on earth, so many charities and organizations of service are in fact organized by the religious.
It’s the fatalism and “it will all be better in the next world” of some religious that might lead people to give up on imagining a better world now.
Thank you for this extraordinarily beautiful and thought-provoking post. And thanks to all your readers for their thoughtful comments.
@Leslie K, And to you in return:).
Oh – this is food for thought. Not that I’m not always wondering how it is that this world continues to function when we do things like charge 3K a month to rent houses that are only good inasmuch as they aren’t in bad neighbourhoods and they’re large enough to contain families of 4 or more. Re: “I can’t think of a single social system that is strong enough or shiny enough to prevent those who have great holes in their hearts–and either no skills to heal themselves or else a compensatory ability to justify their behavior–from causing harm” – neither can I. I recently read an article that posits that people like me are the reason the world is going to hell: upper middle class, working peeps who have enough money to shelter their children from poverty and harm (but not enough to save those who belong to others), who manage to create mini-havens amongst those who live cheque to cheque. But I can’t even turn my attention to this potential truth. I’m still freaking out about single-use plastic and how we’re ruining our eco-system because we’re too fucking lazy (and too used to convenience) to bring cloth bags for our apples and pears. There’s a new grocery store in TO called Unboxed. Of course it’s in a hipster hood, adjacent to mine (and it’s still too far to walk there and back, realistically, once you’ve got a week’s worth of food). As you know, I don’t own a car (and Scott won’t let us taxi there for other eco reasons). They sell everything, as stated, unboxed. You can even get pre-cooked foods there, as long as you bring your own containers. I kind of wish we had one of these on every other corner cuz, how are the exhausted mums and dads with full-time jobs and no cars gonna utilize this system? In Utopia, I don’t have to worry about any of this!!
@K-Line, I have many of the same feelings as you. And for Unboxed, I wonder, why can’t Whole Foods offer this? I am always mad at Amazon for adding more plastic packaging for their produce:(.
I do like to think about utopia, and my versions always involve community and kindness. But there is always someone with a different idea, and it seems we as humans haven’t evolved to a point where we can exist without an “other” somewhere. Not intending to sound negative.
Anyway I love this post. And think another part of utopia would be being able to look at what happens creatively, even what doesn’t happen, ie learning that our context and our understanding of said context is actually a box that constrains us rather than frees us, and that there is actually a universe of possibility, if only we an learn to see it.
@Mardel, Yes and thank you. In particular, I hadn’t thought about our need to “other,” which of course means that Utopia for many people means exclusion. For those of us who suffer for others’ pain, there is no Utopia in that case.
Utopias unnerve me. But I do think a lot about what a good world would look like and how we might live in it. Bottom line, it isn’t ruled by the desire to accrue. There would be more commonality across the board, less desire to have what’s yours and keep it, no matter what. Never mind a bottom line for a living wage, I’d advocate for top line for earnings so it would not be possible to become super-wealthy with all that entails. Share, be generous, don’t lord it, encourage learning, decry greed. I really don’t think any of that is impossible. And – men don’t make the rules about how we work, how we look, how women behave. Not much, then.
@Annie Green, Not much, then;). I feel as you do, most of all it would be acknowledging that we are all in this together, the commonality rather than the fight.
I’m bad with details, but how can you not start with kindness?
And positivity – I struggle with this – turning the situation around from a negative. Single use plastics are killing our oceans and I’m only one person, so I can’t make a difference. But that’s where I can start. And starting is the thing, right? How do you eat an elephant?
@Patsy, Kindness. <3
As for positivity, there's good positivity as you describe, i.e., well, who knows if it will help but it's the best I can do so I'm going to do it, and then there's the papering over of troubles, not so good. Very hard to find the balance.
Yes Kindness would be a prerequisite of Utopia, but also good will , sharing our bounty, and perhaps a guiding star of “ Do no harm”…. to ourselves, others, the planet and it’s other non- human inhabitants. A number of forces work against Utopia not the least, human nature for acquisition, selfishness and domination. However, I like to think of Utopia as an aspiration; a journey and not a destination.
As so many others have already commented, thank you, Lisa, for this beautifully written, thought-provoking piece.
In my utopia (I think) children would only be born to parents who would cherish them and do their best to care for them. I sometimes feel as though so many troubled children were a “mistake.” At least, birth control should be easily, widely, and nonjudgmentally available.
This is my gut reaction. After reflection, I may feel or prioritize differently, but you have me thinking, and I appreciate that.
I don’t know if I’d use the word “happy” about creating an more Utopian world. I think content might be more appropriate?
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