Privilege Blog

Secret Nefarious Villains

As I said, the next morning all my pond plants had fallen over. Again. And this time I noticed that my lovely floating water hyacinths were gone. Vanished. Remember that beauteous purple-leafed plant? Only shreds left by the side of the pond. Alas.


I googled “Raccoons Ate My Water Hyacinths.” Indeed, they did. And climbed over everything else on their way to the water hyacinth feast. This explains the fallen plants. And some recent midnight howling.

I haven’t given up. Now it’s a long battle between me and them. Today I put all the plants in the middle of the pond. Thinking those little bandit-faced suckers won’t be able to reach. I’m relentless, I tell you, relentless.

If I fail, look for more posts on what shoes to wear with navy blue. Or tartan. Wait, what shoes DO you wear with tartan? Hmmm. Good question, even if I succeed with the raccoons. Adding to your identity should mean more “That.” Not no more “This.” Have a lovely weekend.

18 Responses

  1. go and buy the hottest peppers you can find….buzz them all up in the blender, strain, put in a spray bottle with a few drops of dish soap (my friend gives it a good squirt for a full bottle)and spray it on everything you want them to leave alone.

  2. SO sorry the raccoons got to your flowers. Good luck in your battle! Looking forward to the navy/tartan debate. What shoes do you wear?

  3. I wish you luck, but if I had to place money, it would probably be on the raccoons. We've been fortunate, so far, with our pond — only the kingfisher manages to catch an occasional goldfish, although the garter snakes that jam up the pump must also be fishing. Our old Golden Retriever kept the raccoons away and her scent must still linger posthumously, but any day now they will realize it's open season . . . So far, they only steal the catfood from the front porch (the dog was always in the fenced back yard and raccoons have possibilities calibrated very precisely) and reluctantly conceded that they can no longer reach the bird feeder after my husband moved it for the third time — eventually, their engineers will come up with something and the bird feeder will be theirs as well.
    Just be sure to show no signs of weakness and I wish you all the best.
    But I probably won't be betting on you.

  4. You know what else raccoons go after? the fish in the pond too.

    Try to get one of those have-a-heart traps (cage). That will catch them. As for what you do after you catch one….

  5. Do not accept defeat.
    My money's on you.
    That pond is too pretty to give to those "mo-fo's," (as my kids would say).
    Go get em!

  6. perhaps i could interest you in a strategically placed hedgehog? we could fed-ex you one. i find they are useful in many garden pest stand-offs. they eat slugs, sing joan baez songs to foxes, and reason with lairy raccoons. fact.

    not really. sorry.

  7. We have coons too but about the only thing you can do is catch them in a "live trap" and deport them to another location. They won't drown. They like water ya know.

  8. Get a gun.


    The only good raccoon/squirrel/rabbit is a dead one.

    Unfortunately, it is ILLEGAL to shoot squirrels in Milwaukee. It is illegal to do anything worthwhile here.

  9. Ugh, how frustrating. Maybe your neighbors will have some ideas, since presumably they are dealing with the same thing?

  10. I'm going to take these peppers and loafers and guns and hedgehogs and traps, these virtual weapons, as well as mater's very blunt assessment and do what most idealists do. Fight on…I may also ask my neighbors. Less effort:)

  11. This post made my brain conjure a taxidermified raccoon…wearing tartan, and little black ghillies with white kilt hose.

  12. I figured it was raccoons.

    No Tartan!! Ever! This coming from a woman who attended Catholic school from kindergarten thru college.

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