Privilege Blog

The Joy Of Non-Misery At This Moment, Or, Saturday Morning at 9:41am

I moved Mom Thursday.

Currently having a non-awful Saturday morning.

It’s astonishing how much one can learn from sheer dreadfulness. Horribility. Having often proceeded with one foot in the present and one foot in a shiny future vision, I’m now looking at, well, now. Turns out that an imagined happy future gilds the present, but, if it doesn’t come true, everything gets really bleak.

Lowering expectations doesn’t have to be depressing. There may be a different, smaller, grainier joy in a skeptical reality.

In any case, in this particular now, I wish you a wonderful, in-the-moment weekend. Or at least a Saturday morning. Deep breath.

35 Responses

  1. May your Now, for Now at least, be a moment of peace. I so hope for you that this move will bring some more extended peace to you and your family. But while you’re waiting to see if that will be so, you are so wise to find those smaller joys, one breath after another. xoxo

  2. You have my fervent hopes that her moving is over for now and that if she’s able to tell you how she feels about it all she isn’t complaining bitterly and demanding you take her home.

    Looking over at the Nordstrom Tops for Mom – don’t buy too many modal tops until you see how they do in an institutional laundry.

  3. I can understand it Lisa! Completely!
    Let’s hope that your mother and your family and especially you,would be more happy and tranquill in the future
    As for now-little pieces of peace and joy could help a lot, indeed
    A day without some catastrophe is a good day
    Have a really nice weekend

  4. One step at a time. Sometimes all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have a tranquil weekend.

  5. Hello Lisa

    The skeptical reality can be a harsh, frightening place to be in but yes, you are right, there is a still smaller, grainier joy to be found in it.

    Sometimes that joy is as simple as being able to stand somewhere quiet and take huge lungfuls of air in and allow just a little of the fear to release with the exhalation.

    Thinking and hoping that the road ahead becomes a little easier for all of you now that the course has been set. Sometimes it’s a relief just to know where things are going rather than living with a fear of the unknown.

    SSG xxx

    1. @Sydney Shop Girl, I can tell you’ve lived through a time like this. Breathing is the best thing – I am still dealing with knowing where things are going and coming to accept it.

  6. In case your mother is in a hospital bed, you should know they take XL twin sheets, and right now lots of interesting ones are out for college dorm students.

    I liked getting my Mother pretty sheets as it was one of the small ways I could improve the visual.

    I will never forget those months and years of care for my Mother and how complex emotionally it all was.

    You are lucky to have one another.

    1. @Robin, In the end I think we are being given some sort of chance that equates to good fortune.

      I have now bought my mother two new duvet covers, one for the first place and its carpet, one for the second and its different carpet.

  7. I’m reading of your journey with the idea that my sister will be travelling a similar road with her husband in the years to come. We’re very much a shiny future family…rose-coloured glasses firmly in place… so when that shiny future never becomes the present…well… you know. And not knowing how to be of more help to her, I’m storing up your readers’ comments to hopefully come to mind when I can’t do much but try to be a supportive sister.

    1. @Sue Burpee, Let her call you a lot and just listen to her. Volunteer to give her days off. Ask her if you can take on tasks. If you can. If she asks for help, say yes, if you can. It is so much work.

  8. This is so difficult. Remember that you’re doing the best you can, and so is she. I hope the new facility suits her needs.

  9. Wishing you a wonderful future that will exceed your expectations. I totally understand the concept of non awfulness.

  10. I love your way with words. The imagined happy future. Yes. So very true. And yet, we all fall prey to it, because to imagine otherwise would make life unbearable I suppose. You are doing your best for your mom, and she is a very lucky woman to have such a devoted daughter. Your words helped me immesurably today. Thanks for your candor. At times the absence of heaviness is the best we can hope for. I have found that in the moment is the safest place to stay when possible. And hooray for the new idea from you: skeptical optimism. Finally someone has given voice to a lifelong habit that I could never name. Plan for the best but….

    1. @Charlene, Thank you so much. The only way I know to really relieve distress is to find out that someone has been helped by the retelling.

      They say skeptical optimism actually leads to the best outcomes in business. Let us hope that it holds true for life. xox.

  11. Yes, to all of this.
    Our imagined shiny, happy future came crashing down around our ears this month.
    I treasure the family I have left and try to be grateful what good, stable things I still have in my life. I also seem to be staring into space a lot…at the sunlight in my garden…just observing…a place to park my mind and heart for a few minutes.

    1. @Emma, I am so very sorry. And I also take comfort in the blank moments, in the breathing, in the light on greenery, in an empty sky. All the best to you and your family. So sorry I am not answering comments in a timely manner – the days just slip by.

  12. Don’t know if this helps even one bit, but sometimes just having those wonderful not awful moments – with a bit of humor – can get us through and remind us of our messy humanity. And some of the most difficult times come back later as softer memories of time spent caring for others, witnessing their struggles and pains, showing a bit of compassion, and remembering what it means to love. Very best thoughts coming your way.

    1. @Melissa C., Thank you. I am finding that as I take care for my mother, my own feelings of love for her in her dependent state, feed on themselves and grow. That is something that gets me through. Softer memories, as you say.

  13. Oh, those not-awful moments….

    I hope your weekend was peaceful, and that through the difficult times some quiet joys will comfort you. I think we all need to gild our present at times, if only to balance out those times we must simply hold on to breathe and enforced quietude. I hope the road grows less rocky.

  14. It is astonishing to me how the worst moments become the best moments, fears faced dissolve away. “I can’t do that” changes into a proud “that wasn’t so bad.” I’m not sure I believe in God, but at those moments of swabbing her parched lips, it certainly felt like grace washing down on me.

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