Yes, my blog was down. For an entire week, during which I told at least five people that this was my life’s work and could they please promise that it wasn’t lost forever. But yes, we think, now, it’s back. Hello!
As it happens, today is also the winter solstice. I refuse to draw shady connections between my very small writings and the very big sun, not to mention the Earth and the relationship of one to the other. So don’t make me. To help us back into the saddle I shall focus on the particular, and on personal, persisting time.
Brought to you by the letter “P.” Clearly, rusty.
How about we revisit long-running themes? Why? Simply because we like them. For example:
Garments
I have a new sweater. I like it very much. It’s light, loosely knit, not itchy, modern, luxe. A winter piece in California, it would be perfect for spring in colder climes.
The Cashmere Fisherman’s sweater by Jenni Kayne. I don’t wear it with shorts, nor do I lean fetchingly to the left in general, but I do endorse a French tuck. And, here’s a 15% discount code that’s supposed to be good through January. JKNOV15.
Garden
I have put my garden to bed for winter, thus giving the plants permission to grow roots instead of flowers. I like that.
However, this being California, the succulents on my back porch resist sleep.
One of them is prickly. I like that too.
Family
This year has not been the easiest in my family. We have suffered illness, strife; lives have ended. Grief is true and real and like nothing else in the world. But today we will celebrate Professor C.’s 89th birthday and I like that very much.
I suppose what I mean by personal persisting time is how time (in fact) heals. The passing of time does not lessen pain, in my experience. But, as time passes. if the good parts of life continue, if you can string some lights and eat some toast, the part of you that is not sad expands into a larger space–for happiness.
I wish you room and passage of time that of itself brings joy.
See you in January, possibly mid-month.
No links are monetized in this post
46 Responses
Wishing Mr. C. the happiest of birthdays! And wish you Lisa, a much better 2020.
@Susan D., Thank you so much! All the best for 2020 to you too:).
My best wishes for the New Year!
@Claire, And to you!
Glad to see that you are well. I wish your father, you, and all those whom you love the happiest of holidays.
@MJ, Thank you. And to you and yours.
Dear Lisa ,
I am so glad to see you are back and in fine form ! Yes the passage of time becomes a kind of pleasure in itself – but the younger me would never have believed that . The cashmere sweater will look good on you and I hope for some pictures . Since I can’t wear white garments or any cashmere next to the skin I appreciate it more on others .
And happy birthday to your father who has enlightened me on various literary masterpieces so often that I may actually try to read Joyce or James ….
@Rukshana Afia, Younger me would have had no comprehension at all:). I will say, I don’t wear the closeknit cashmere at all any more, somehow this one is not itchy.
Well, now I know it’s Saturday. You are missed when you’re not here. I noticed that your site is not secure. Is that something you need to fix? Also re Computing. I noticed that on Facebook ( that’s where I found you today) Your image showed up with a grey stripe underneath it as opposed to a link. How did you do that?
The rest? Life is messy isn’t it. Nice to know you’re back. Funny how I get used to reading you if it’s Saturday. Please don’t switch because I’ll never know what day it is. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I hope this year brings you health and joy.
@Sandra Sallin – Apart From My Art, I don’t know how I did that Facebook post! Just put the paragraph and the link in my status? And it makes me really happy that I have become part of your Saturdays, I hope I can remain worthy of the privilege.
Yay! Glad to have a post. That’s one great sweater, I gave up on fetching years ago. Enjoy your time off!
@Mary Anne, Thank you! I admit I have a hard time letting go of the last sliver of fetching, but, it never involves leaning;).
I’d note that the Wayback Machine on the Internet Archive (archive.org) has at least much of your blog saved, if catastrophe ever strikes again and if your hosting company is… less helpful… in restoration than they were this time. (you could probably even get volunteers to grab posts and format them into an uploadable file structure, if you needed them. At least one volunteer, anyway.)
But I’m very, very, very glad they restored your site the easy way instead of the hard way, and also glad that you exist on Twitter so I could verify, after the site went “poof”, that you hadn’t been hit by a car or something. :-)
And that sweater looks lovely. I’ve only ever gone for thrift-store cashmere, as I’ve heard so many horror stories about expensive-but-evanescent cashmere sweaters, figuring that if a sweater has survived its journey to the thrift store without pilling and while still feeling soft, it is likely one of The Good Ones, but now we live in a region where cashmere sweaters are not common and therefore not thrift-shoppable, sigh.
May joy and peace expand. :-)
@KC, This isn’t cast iron cashmere like the old Scottish stuff. It pills some. But it’s so incredibly wearable here that I have decided I don’t mind. If I only have five tops this winter (3 turtlenecks, one striped tee, and that sweater) I will still get good value from it by my calculations.
I tried the Wayback but wasn’t clear enough on how it worked to find my site. I do need to get a backup service in place however. And the thought that people would help me pull posts into an archivable format, even though it seems that I don’t need it today, warms my cold, cold heart:).
@Lisa,
In case this happens again sometime and I’m not around, for the Wayback Machine, you plug your website (amidprivilege.com) into the Wayback Machine slot, press enter, then pick a year, then pick the most recent (pre-crash) date they crawled the site, and you get something like this: https://web.archive.org/web/20191114081144/https://lisacarnochan.com/
That said, they don’t do a full crawl all the time, and sometimes pictures are not preserved, etc. But you can often get at least *most* of a site back that way (and with chronological content, you can enter all the stuff the most recent site trawl has, and then go visit a snapshot from just later than the latest content you still haven’t recovered, etc., rinse and repeat).
I’m glad the realization that there are, indeed, people willing to help restore good things is heart-warming! :-)
Lisa, despite your difficulties you are able to speak of them. I know many people who cannot do this. Sometimes it feels like the grief I feel for my father will never go away. But we have no choice and so we go on. The sweater is lovely but like Rukshana I am not comfortable in cashmere. Ah, but it seems like a privilege to say that. My best wishes for all your readers. Yes, I love your blog Lisa and it brings meaning in my life.
Luci
@luci, I can imagine that the grief you feel for the loss of your father won’t ever go away, but I deeply hope that you find room for joy and comfort and that they grow inside you to keep the grief company and shed a kind light on it. Thank you so, so much for reading and for your comments. <3
Great that you’re back and archives saved! Yay!
Happy Birthday to Professor C. and Happy Holidays to you,your family and your readers
Dottoressa
@Dottoressa, Thank you! And a very, very happy holiday to you in beautiful Croatia. :)
Hi Lisa, glad you got everything back! It’s a horrible feeling to not be able to access one’s blog.
I’ve been eyeing that sweater for some time, and am wondering how the sizing runs? What size did you get?
Sue – I think it runs smaller than other JK sweaters. I’m generally a small in the cardigans, a medium in other pullovers, but a large in the cashmere. I like it a bit slouchy. It really is the perfect California sweater.
@Susan Blakey, I went the other direction from KSL, I am usually small in most items, but, I took an XS in this so as to keep it higher on my waist. In a way the cool thing about it is that you can size up or down, depending on what look you’re aiming for. I also think some of their colors would be great on you – if you are up to still wear a little olive for example.
As you know, 100% endorsement on the sweater. Over the years, I’ve collected 5 of them, and wear one of them almost daily. I save my black one for dressy occasions. It’s the perfect California sweater.
I think everyone is different, but like you, time doesn’t heal pain. It might change it some, to a different sort of pain, but it becomes part of my heart and I actually wouldn’t want it any differently. I can carry it, and still have plenty of room and expansion for joy. I’m not sure one could even exist without the other.
And a very Happy Birthday to your wonderful Dad. xoxo
@KSL, “time doesn’t heal pain. It might change it some, to a different sort of pain, but it becomes part of my heart and I actually wouldn’t want it any differently.” You’ve pointed something out I didn’t know how to articulate. I’ve always been natively cheerful, with bursts of very uncomfortable anxiety (probably as a way to avoid sadness and anger), but almost never depressed or gloomy. So I think I really didn’t know how to be sad. Grief is teaching me, and truly has had to grow my heart larger to make room. I have become a different person. Sometimes I miss old Lisa, but I am learning to enjoy new Lisa too. Like changing palettes, maybe.
Dearest Lisa
What a welcome bonus it is to see your post here! Your posts always give me pause to stop and think, and I enjoy reading the comments from your Gathering of Women almost as much as I do the posts. The the importance of perspective that this group gives cannot be emphasized enough. Thank you Lisa, for creating the space and giving us the menu.
As you reflect on the year that was, I too am doing so, and note that I feel as though I have been through a wringer. I am looking forward to spending a few quiet days later this week, and to spending time with our grown – and finally graduated – children, enjoy some food and cheer as a family, something time and schedules (and personality clashes) allow but once a year.
I will become a Grandmother in March to our first grandchild, a little boy. Modern technology has given us the gift of amazing pictures of him nestled in the darkness. Life is a miracle.
Apart from being a miracle, life is also something tricky to navigate as a thinking, sensitive creature.
Wishing you all some comfort over the next couple of weeks, however you choose to spend it, and thanks for your company over the past year.
With fond love – TJ, Brisbane AU.
@TJ, “Life is a miracle.
Apart from being a miracle, life is also something tricky to navigate as a thinking, sensitive creature.”
Very true, and the one heightens the other. Congratulations on your first grandchild to come. May your wringer cease to thrum and thud for the next couple of weeks, and with any luck I’ll see you here when we reconvene the Gathering of Women:) in January xoxox.
Yay! I’m very happy your blog is back. I’ve been missing it and fearful it wouldn’t return. It means a lot to me.
Hope your father has a wonderful birthday. Best wishes to you and your family for a happy holiday!!
@Jane, Thank you very much. Your comments here, and having gotten to know you a little bit, mean a lot to me too. xoxox.
Like others, I, too, missed your Saturday blog posts as well as all the commentary and lovely exchange that you inspire. Thank you. I agree, loss and grief are hard. That said, there is always room for joy and the joy really carries us. Enjoy your father’s birthday. His special day is a wonderful milestone to be celebrated. All the best, Susan
@Susan, Always room for joy, I am in the process now of learning how to clear space when it used to come unbidden. And thank you, Dad’s birthday was lovely <3.
Yay! You’re back. So glad you were recovered. I love that sweater, it has the perfect slouch.
@Allison, Thank you! And me too! And thank you! Slouch ‘r us!
Happy 89th to your dad! Agree about French tucks. Don’t think a bit of alliteration is a bad sign. Happy Holidays. See you on the other side of 2020. xo.
@Katherine C. James, Thank you K! And happy to be a partner with you in the French tuck approach to the universe;). Wishing you all the best for 2020. xoxox
Hello Lisa, Happy Holidays to you and your family. Please convey birthday greetings from me to your father.
I would look into backup and export possibilities and scenarios for your entire blog as well as the individual posts. WordPress is big and important enough that there must be some provision for this. I write my posts in Word first, then paste them into Blogger, so at least I have my original files, but if the blog itself disappeared it would be a nightmare.
–Jim
@Parnassus, I am definitely looking at backup strategies! I hope you have had good holidays, and my dad said thanks:).
Hello Lisa, I am sorry that the year has been so tough for you – and I know that when things are tough the merely irritating, like your blog problems, becomes near unbearable. But you are right, the things that you enjoy will grow to fill the spaces. You obviously love and are loved and that is what makes our lives work. With very best wishes for 2020.
@Ruth, Thank you. And I have doubled down on love this holiday. <3
Sorry about the blog. It seems that sometimes, when life is hard over all, we think we have everything under control, or as close as we can come, and some thing happens, perhaps not even the biggest thing, that makes it all unbearable.
It is all part of healing. I agree that time does heal, but to me, healing does not mean “goes away”, just as when our bodies heal there are often scars. The tough things become a part of us and help us become who we become. Life, growth, wisdom, are all part of this process of scars and fruit, of new growth and cutting back. Not always easy. But joys become mor precious.
Hoping that this season, which is all about endings and new beginnings, rest and growth, brings much love and continued healing.
@Mardel, Joys have become more precious, for being more rare, and in contrast. I wish much love and continued healing to you too.
Welcome back! So glad it was but a temporary departure. Here is to 2020 and the freshness of a new year and decade.
Also: the French tuck? We may need a post in the new year on this – please!
@JB, Here’s to freshness! And a post on the French tuck:).
Joy to the World!
You’ve returned. We are pleased.
Happy Birthday Professor C, Joyous Holidays to all, and altho’ you lean not to the left I seem to tilt slightly to the right… darn hip. May your Achilles behave in 2020.
@Rosie, Darn hip! May it behave too;).
Loss and grief are so real, and so universal. I admire the compassionate ways you and your readers write about incorporating these sorrows into your hearts and lives, and about how to live going forward. May we all try to live our best lives, in honor of those we have lost, and with them in our hearts.
And may we love and remember them always.
Glad to have you back. Digital death is very tricky and perplexing. Hope you had a good Christmas.
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