Good morning, everyone! I’ll be off for September, so here are a couple of things I thought you might enjoy.
First, as we stand steadfast in 2026’s video torrent, reading words, I need to let you know I finally surrendered to Daniel Mason’s “North Woods.” It’s one of those books I’ve seen recommended dozens of times. Read the blurb tens of times, decided for some vibe or another not to buy, over and over, but finally, late one night in the throes of despair brought on by one too many pieces of commercial fiction that I just don’t get (Remarkably Bright Creatures, anyone?), embraced. Oh my goodness! I’m not finished but it’s keeping me up at night in the best of ways. I love stories in which much of the meaning happens in a non-verbal space of our consciousness, even as we marvel at the beautiful words in and of themselves. No spoilers, but those who’ve read it, I die for the ghosts.
Second and third, let me send you to Reddit. Do not be afraid of the perhaps alien space. You don’t have to log in to read, and if you do, you can remain anonymous. Consider weddings. Way back in the early days I used to write, in the voice of my semi-imagined ancestors, about High WASP nuptial types. Then when planning my daughter’s day, having found myself on Reddit, I discovered these two subreddits (as the separate forums dedicated to one topic or another are called). We learn, thusly, perspectives can broaden.
- r/Big Budget Brides. Of this I will say only, there are many ways to spend a lot of money. I watch myself, as I read, and I can hear the voices of my culture having opinions about draping (must we?), gold chargers (in the right place, I suppose), and a mix of high-low style (always and forever). Writing this blog has shown me how much of what I thought was “taste,” universal and Platonic, is in fact a signifier for Culture and its evil cousin Class. Doesn’t mean I now like “full glam” makeup; does mean the chatter of judgment bows to an understanding of differences. Extra benefit: many photos of beautiful celebrations.
- r/Weddingattireapproval. If we wondered who had taken up the “Is this appropriate, dear?” mantle, I can tell you. Reddit. Absent the “dear.” Did you know that if you ask people to arrive in black tie you absolutely cannot serve them family style? You must force Table 2 to watch their chicken congeal until Table 14 have their plates. Did you know that with a formal dress code it’s better to wear a long tube of stretch satin slit to your mid-thigh than a calf length dupioni silk number with a twirly skirt? Here I allow my ancestral voices freer rein, since I sense brigades of Mean Girls seatings themselves with “Harrumphs!” in the chairs of departed Grandes Dames and I don’t think we need that today. Extra benefit: some people have style I deeply enjoy.
There you go. Entertainment, of the sort that inspires thought – of one kind or another. Have a brilliant September. See you in a bit.
30 Responses
Ohmygosh, thank you for the Reddit link. I’m weeks away from attending a “Coastal Formal” wedding, and still don’t know what to wear. And I thought swimsuit shopping was a challenge!
You are so welcome. I can just see the “Coastal Formal” definitions now. I think you’ll have fun;). The question is always, which coast? I feel somehow Oregon would be different from Georgia?
Have a happy September and a very happy birthday, Lisa!! Thank you so much for the reading recommendations. I’ve done a lot of work deconstructing my own assumptions lately and found myself much happier/freer as a result (in the present — though embarrassed of plenty of dumb things younger me thought, did, and missed out on). Also donated several boxes of books this summer to make room for new ones and have very nearly filled my shelves right back up again (as one does). There’s still room for a few more… ;)
Have a lovely weekend, a splendid September, and a delightful 70th birthday! (Still voting for a cute new dress!) See you soon!
About that gala birthday: I only remember the date because it’s my parents’ anniversary, but there it is on the September calendar. Nothing better than a new dress, but I’m hoping for a spendy, massive, all-family getaway venue held in honor of the Carnochan Family Matriarch. None of that “no presents allowed” nonsense: BRING PRESENTS!
Both, for sure!! New dress from Lisa to Lisa, relaxing getaway from family to Lisa, with lots of presents!
I’m a September baby too and somehow I know a lot of them, so that makes those dates easier to keep in mind, I think.
Happy anniversary of that which made Flo possible;). I will report back on festivities, but I admit, I have said, “No presents.” Some people I love dearly may have insisted.
I’m still laughing at “that which made Flo possible”!!!
Thank you! And if we weren’t dumb about something or another how could we know we were young! Thanks for reminding me I should drop some books off at the donation cart of our local library.
Enjoy your month off! North Woods looks interesting. I’ve added it to my list. Have you read The Correspondent? It’s my favorite of the many books I’ve read recently. By far. Love Reddit. I’ve had an account there since 2021. (I just checked, evidently Covid sent me.) At some point I began to notice that my search results always contained Reddit posts. There is a Reddit for everything, and contrary to popular belief, most of them are lovely.
A Reddit for everything! I have read The Correspondent, thank you. Wasn’t my fave, but I appreciated it. I think you might really like North Woods.
Hi! Apparently, as your commenters alert me, it’s time for birthday wishes! Enjoy!
Thank you for the North Woods recommendation. It is already on my list. I hear his new novel is also a good one!
Following up from last week to say I found a Tilly hat for $8 at Goodwill! Thought of you, and bought it.
Thank you for the anticipatory birthday wishes! And $8? That is a heckuva bargain. Nice work, and wear in good health and adventure!
Reddit is my guilty pleasure. Those links look like the perfect rabbit hole.
Have a wonderful September!
Thanks! Have fun in Reddit wedding land! There is something about really fun about a good sub.
Just this very morning, here on the East Coast, awaiting your post and reminding myself of the time difference and that patience is a virtue, I thought to myself, “Lisa doesn’t post about High WASP culture anymore. I wonder if she’s over it in some way.” Apparently you are:
….my culture having opinions ….Writing this blog has shown me how much of what I thought was “taste,” universal and Platonic, is in fact a signifier for Culture and its evil cousin Class”.
I was prompted to my musing by spending time last night with a dear friend who I don’t see often enough, in part because she and her husband moved “back” to New England, which I think of as the High WASP bastion. She is lovely, not a trace of snobbery in her. And yet. It’s clear that she and her husband are both part of that culture. It seems to be a set of knowledge and assumptions that I just can’t put my finger on. Do you know what I mean? When you return, can you please articulate this for me? Or link me back to a previous post? I feel sure you’ve written about this.
And, a very Happy, Happy Birthday to you. My gosh – I think I’ve been reading Privilege since, oh about 52. Can It Be?
Kristin, I’d love to write to your prompt. I think that set of knowledge and assumptions is exactly what I have written about, hither and thither, and yet I am sure I have somehow not really explicated what’s going on. Please feel free to expand on your question here. Say, if you and I were sitting at a restaurant in a city, finished dinner, waiting for dessert, what would you ask me? What can I elucidate, or at least attempt to elucidate?
For myself, I’m not over High WASP culture, per se, but I think I may have more fully absorbed it into the person I want to be, if that makes sense. Even though the HW set of history and mores and values and attitudes and opinions haven’t exactly left me, to write about them now I probably need to know someone is curious about something:).
I started this blog in February of 2009, I think, so, I would have been 52 and a half. Wow. Eons ago. I can’t thank you enough for your constant company.
So we are at dinner and something happened – perhaps I admired a dress that just passed by and you, without saying a negative word, let it be clear that something about the dress made it categorically a “never” for you and people like you. Or perhaps you talked about the qualities you would hope for in your child’s future spouse and I realize that “me and my kind” would never qualify. For much of my life I would have been left with a vague sense of shame*, thinking I was some kind of mutt. Come to think of it, perhaps that’s a good example of an incident that I would experience as a meaningful difference. The WASP friend will cheer me on when I go to the shelter and give my new dog a Welcome gift, saying the right things how lucky that shelter dog is took be mine. But when it’s time for her to get a new dog, it will come from a breeder and be an “X” because “my family always has Xs”.
* mercifully, I am over that sense of unworthiness.
Other phrases that came to mind with your question are
• A sense of knowing and being at ease in any situation. No worries about forks and, if you joined a friend running an errand at Tiffany’s, you wouldn’t feel an uncomfortable sense of “I don’t belong here and it’s obvious to all”
•A sense of restraint, sometimes expressed as a dead stop. A line had been crossed. We clap, but never cheer, for instance. Maybe expressed as a hint of archness.
• Any expression that translates “that’s nice for you but would never do for me”.
Thank you for asking. Enjoy your entire month!
I’m really looking forward to reading your thoughts, Kristin and Lisa.
I’m probably no help here, but in my case the work of deconstruction that I referenced is purely psychological: being able to connect deeply and for real instead of worrying about myself and whether I’m doing The Proper Thing Exactly Right. I think preoccupation with doing The Proper Thing Exactly Right is at the core of the many layers of assumptions I’d like to discard, personally… That worry leaves us self-focused instead of other-focused and, surprise!, focused on that which does not really matter, while that which does matter — the human and universal — often, personally as well as historically, escapes us.
The Proper Thing Exactly Right kept the nobility alive and in clover for centuries. The Right Thing can be something different altogether.
Embarrassing microcosmic case in point: I was in a self-pity puddle about being single in my 40s. I noticed, “No one’s ever really asked me out, even in high school.” It took various encounters with old yearbooks and photos and memory-laden minutiae before I realized (with crushing despair) that several boys absolutely had tried hard to get to know me. It just didn’t happen exactly the way I thought it was supposed to, so I genuinely never realized they liked me at all. And I feel SO very stupid. These were amazing people I keenly remember believing I would never be “perfect enough” to impress. I was thinking about myself, not them. I may have hurt them. In my mind, I was hurt.
It’s harder not to worry when others “who know better” don’t do The Proper Thing Exactly Right, but I can see that it comes with time. That worry is rooted in our fear not being “perfect enough” to deserve their love or respect, isn’t it? Rooted in a culture where love (often parental) was conditional on being perfect, and was often cold even then? It is not rooted in the other person’s real feelings and intentions. There are so many more possibilities, and so much more happiness, when allowing for The Right Thing Done Joyously Wrong And Possibly Better.
(See? The “and” needed capitalization for clarity. Deep breath.) ;) ;)
* Fear *of* not being perfect enough! Apologies. That one’s beyond the pale. ;)
Wonderfully said. Thank you for this!
Thank you for the kind words!
The PTER can be such a goblin on our backs. If it helps, I look back on my youth and see how the cauldron of my own being propelled me and in some ways I just collided with people and then either stuck or they or I bounced off. As we get older the quieting of our insides, physical and emotional, can make it easier to see the rest of the world with more grace. And then we can, with work, extend that grace to ourselves.
Hoping for grace from myself and the world. Thank you so much for the kind words as well. ❤️
Kudos for doing that work of deconstruction. In my experience, it takes great courage. As well as intelligence. The people who can do that kind of reflection and change are the people I find interesting.
Kristin, I just tested this, so can recommend it [while we await Lisa’s return]. On Lisa’s homepage https://lisacarnochan.com there’s a Search icon at upper right. Click it, and put “High Wasp” into the search field. All of her essays about the subject will be returned to you for browsing at your/our leisure. As you can see, there are quite a few to keep us busy learning the language and nuances of the culture.
I’d certainly like to be at that dinner Lisa set up for the two of you!
I too resisted and then embraced North Woods and now recommend it to everyone, including my 93-year-old High Wasp aunt when she was stuck in the hospital. The ghosts are the best.
Your aunt sounds amazing and what a great niece you are! May we all become lights;). Why did we resist, I wonder?
Happy birthday, Lisa, and thanks for the Reddit links. I haven’t attended a wedding in 10? 12? years, and none are on the horizon, so I’ll relax into the schadenfreude. As for your other recommendation, I’m sorry to say I just can’t seem to enjoy fiction anymore — I’m listening to the audio version of “Muskism,” to give you an idea of where my inclinations currently lie — but someday the winds may shift, and I’ll keep “North Woods” in mind in case they do.
All the Freudes and Schadens! I can understand absolutely not being able to read fiction. I can’t read non-fiction, but am with you in terms of what takes up most of my mind these days.
Don’t rely too much on Reddit if it tells you that Table 2 has to wait for Table 14 to be served. Emily Post would have told you that the people at Table 2 can eat once they are all served – no waiting for other tables.
Have a great month off and a very happy birthday.